Thursday, June 23, 2005

Amarillo By Morning... (Damn I hate that song!)

Well, I am off to TX for a long weekend. I was supposed to be going to San Diego this weekend, but hey...things change. I haven't seen my Mom since the "Break-Up" and I just want to spend time with my mom. There just isnt anything like getting to let your Mom take care of you and hang out and watch movies and talk and laugh and act crazy. Plus I get to see my baby (well she's a dog) Sevin. I miss her soooo much. I love her to death, and my mom says since I left her 2 years ago, she still runs to the door when my mom says my name. So it makes me feel good to know that someone wants to see me so badly that they jump up and spin and practically pee themselves with glee when I show up. I can't wait. I will try to take pics to post when I get back. So Amarillo (I know, Amarillo sucks) here I come. God, I just know I'm gonna pick up my accent (small though it was) when I get back there and hang out with my friends again. Oh well. So I hope y'all have a great weekend y'all!!!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Sorry but I'm gonna bitch...

I feel like I am sporting 2 personalities today. The weather is nice. I heard really good music on the way to work, the morning show guys were really funny, so all this would usually create a great day. And I actually feel, on the inside, a good mood stirring around. However, I feel like crap. Why? Oh, because my body sucks. Long story. It just sucks.

The reason I feel like crap is that I go to the pharmacy yesterday to get my medication refilled. The medication I have to take every day so that I can function like a normal person. I have pain every day. Period. I just do. Some days are better than others. Some worse. I have had a shit load of stress the last couple of months, which contributes to my "bad" days, causing me to take more of my meds per day than I normally do, so I can function and not stay in bed all the time. So, I get to the bottom of my bottle and drive to the Pharmacy and tell her I need to drop off a refill. A few minutes later, she calls me to the counter and looks at me and says in a fuckin snotty appalled way:

"Um Miss (Last Name) I can't fill this yet. It's WAY too soon! You are already OUT of it? Wowwww (shaking her head as if a tragedy occurred...give me a break)

I said "Yes, I am out. That is why I am asking for a refill."

She says "You just filled this on 5/26 and its a 25 (she drug out the word 25 by saying twen-ty-FIIIVE) day supply."

And then she just stared at me. So I'm like "So whennnn will you LET me fill it?"

She proceded to make an elaborate ordeal of counting days on the calendar and told me 6/20. I said "Fine" and snatched the bottle back out of her hand and walked out past ALL the other people behind me that heard her innaproprite display, causing them to think I am a druggy.

FIRST, the damned drug is not EVEN a fucking narcotic. So, I don't see why they are throwing a fit.

SECOND, it is not getting filed through insurance so, there is no one to deny the claim. I pay cash (no insurance yet).

THIRD, like I said before, NOT A NARCOTIC. Yes it is for pain. But WTF is their deal. If it were Vicodin or something of the like, I could understand. But IT IS NOT.

Have you ever seen the movie Powder? It is about a boy who's mother was struck by lightening while he was in her womb I think. Anyways he comes out looking Albino and has special powers. One scene in that movie (the only one) that sticks out in my head is the part where he is with a guy who is hunting deer. The hunter takes aim and hits the deer. They walk over to the deer, now laying on it's side whimpering. Powder is upset at this and the hunter is laughing at him. So Powder takes one hand and places it on the deers wound, and takes his other hand and places it on the mans arm, and then man instantly feels EXACTLY what the deer is feeling, and collapses to the ground. Suddenly realizing how unaware he was of the results of his actions.

Just once, well maybe more than once but at least once, I want this power. When I step up to the bitch Pharmacy Tech who eyes me like I'm a fucking junky, and she asks why I go through my medicine faster than it is prescribed I will reach over the counter and touch her arm. And I want her to go the rest of the day, feeling what I feel everyday. With NO meds. She MIGHT not throw such a fit next time. Or at least think twice about embarrassing me in front of the whole fucking pharmacy. Ya think? BITCH.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I got lucky...

Okay.... so I got your attention. Unfortunately, it's not in the way that you think. (Sorry)

No I didn't get laid, BUT I did get a really awesome purse for a STEAL. It's dark red Italian leather, originally $120 and I got it for $39! Nice. I was doubting my decision to spend the money, but my tiny purse that I have now is fugly, and I cant fit anything in it. So Martini helped me realise that I NEEDED a new purse in a bad way, and that it was a kick ass purse, and 75% off. So I hand it over to the lady and she scans it and it turns out it was tagged wrong. It was supposed to be $59. But she just witnessed this discussion between Martini and I, and then she looked at the purse I had with me, realizing that I NEEDED this new purse and that I would not buy it if it was $60. So she called over the manager and told him she was marking it down for me. Yay! That kind of shit never happens to me. AND I got a really nice wallet in the clearance bin for $7.44 (originally $30). So it was a nice ending to my day.

However, the trip through the mall (after 2 martini's with martini and myramaines) was SUPPOSED to be for martini's Vegas Clothes (and the infamous search for black pants). However, martini and I were looking at our purses and realizing that I hated mine, and she wanted something more Vegas appropriate. So we got hung up at Wilson's leather. No Vegas Clothes...No Black Pants...Damn the smell of leather!!! It gets you every time. So intoxicating. Why do cows stink so bad, but leather smells so good? Anyway....

So as you read above, we decide that we need martinis, even though it IS a Tuesday. So where else would we go, other than to see the BBE and BWE??? Unfortunately it wasn't as rewarding as we originally planned. We got there a little before 5 and BBE's shift ended at 5. So we only got to stare at him for like 10 minutes. :( But, he did come back in to the bar a few minutes later, for some reason, maybe to pick up something he forgot, or maybe it was to swoon us by letting us see him in his regular (HOT) street clothes.

OMG We were sitting at a table and my back was to the bar, but martini was facing the bar, and I noticed that her eyes glazed over and her mouth went slack a little and so I was like "what?". Then I turn around. There is BBE, in his nothing-extraordinary-about-them-but-just-baggy-enough-to-be-hot-but-not-hide-his-ass-jeans, and the simple-white-hugs-his-chest-and-arms-but-not-in-a-gay-weightlifter-kinda-way-tshirt. And don't forget his smikey black hair....damn. I had actually just stood up to go get an extra plate at the bar, when I turned and saw him. And I actually got "weak in the knees". I could only just put my hand on my heart and say "Oh, dear God....". I had to sit down. I don't see many men that make me speachless. We just got so used to seeing him in his sorta-cool-but-still-goofy-because-it's-his-work-uniform-jersey, than seeing him in his actual HOT clothes was just too much. It was a similar reaction when we saw his band perform a few weeks ago. I was speachless then too.

(sigh)

How can one be this hot? I don't think he would meet criteria to be Mr Universe or anything, and some of our friends think he is just so-so. But I promise you, he is NOT so so. I understand why martini calls him BBE (Best Bartender Ever). Because he is! Now, BWE (Best Waiter Ever) was working the restaurant part of the bar and he was swamped because the dumb-asshole manager can't schedule right, so he wasn't able to talk to us much. He did manage to come over and say hello though, and ask why we were here on a Tue instead of a Friday, a tiny bit of small talk and then he was gone. I didn't say a word to him. I just sat and stared at him. I had a million things I wanted to say to him, yet didn't say a word. But how many times can I ask him about his puppy and new apartment? So I pouted because he didn't talk to me. Silly, I am. WTH? I am talking like Yota now? Anyway, that was my night last nite.

If I am still in love with TM, why am I so excited to see BWE? Maybe because there is no drama with BWE. Who knows. I'm so confused....

Monday, June 13, 2005

Fucking Lyrics

I went out to my truck to smoke on my break a while ago, feeling pretty good for a Monday. I step outside the elevator into the parking garage, thinking I was going to post about how much I LOVE living here.

This time of year can be quite hot, but this year it has been rather mild, I think. It was 10:30am, I have no idea what the temp was but I have long sleeves and jeans on and I was perfectly comfortable. It was warm, but a comforting warm, if anyone happens to know what that is. This kind of weather, or at least the weather at that particular moment, reminds me of October here in Phx. It's the best time of year here, hands down.

This type of weather somehow gives me hope, makes me feel content, carefree. It's amazing what sunshine can do for you. Despite all the medical evidence that proves (a safe amount of) sun is beneficial to your body and mood, it still just makes me happy. Maybe because I grew up here, so most of my childhood memories invovled sunshine. Who knows. All I know is that if I had to live in a place where it was cloudy or rainy or cold more than it was sunny and warm, I would shut down. That weather (for extended periods of time) makes me severly depressed.

I do have to say however, that the (too short) Monsoons here are KICK ASS, and I LIVE for Monsoon season. It's awesome. Most might find it an annoying way to bring humidity to the heat along with dirt and strong wind. But I guess to a Phoenician that gets NO WEATHER all year long, it's very exciting.

Anyway, to get to the title of my post....
I walked to my truck to smoke since I left my lighter up at my desk. I put the keys in the ignition and pushed in the lighter. Since I can't STAND dead silence I turn on the radio and the new Staind song just started. It's called Right Here, I think.

This isn't the first time I have heard it, but it was the first time I was able to sit quietly and listen to the lyrics, and feel the melody swirl around my heart and grip it with the realization that he is singing it, without knowing, just what I have wanted to say myself (to TM).

TM and I were engaged until 2 months ago when everything just dissolved. It's way too complicated to ever explain, but simple mistakes were made and the distance apart couldn't heal us. We have continued to talk off and on, with a weak attempt to not lose that awesome friendship that we had in the beginning. I'm not sure we can breathe enough life into it to revive it, but I would be willing to do anything it takes to try. Unfortunately he thinks he is the only one that put up an effort while we were still "together" and I didn't try hard enough. And now that he left, I feel like I am the only one trying. Maybe I'm living in denial, but I wasn't lying when I told him that I need no one else and that I was committing myself to him forever.

So I feel like I am constantly begging for forgiveness, yet in my heart I don't feel like I did anything wrong enough to be going through this.

That said, this song hit me. HARD. So I sat and smoked sitting in my truck with the door open, with tears running down my face as I prayed that my efforts of trying to save this might not be in vain.


I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made.
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face ?

But you always find a way
to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
to keep you right here waiting.

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending
it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend
so I keep bending till I break.

But you always find a way
to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
to keep you right here waiting.

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you.

Why can't you just forgive me?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made
along the way.

But I always find a way
to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say
to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away
would you be right here waiting?
Searching for the things to say
to keep me right here waiting.

-Staind Right Here

Wednesday, June 08, 2005


What Flavour Are You? I am sweet, like Sugar.I am sweet, like Sugar.


I am all sweetness and light; fluffy bunnies and dancing fairies; happiness and joy. Too much of me will make you sick.

What Flavour Are You?

Yeeeeeee Haaaaawww

On the way to work this morning, I was wishing I had spent the extra money and got the camera phone. The same vehicle was in front of me almost the entire time I was on the 101, however I didn't REALLY look at it until I was almost here (it was 5:40am; I don't wake up mentally until 8:30).

It was a Maroon F-150 with one of those "Support the Troops" magnetic "ribbons" except this one was American Flag print instead of the normal yellow. In side the space of the top of the "loop" of the ribbon, is a sticker that says "Git - R - Dun". A popular pharase used by hick comedian Larry the Cable Guy. How RedNeck can you get? Don't get me wrong, I think Larry the Cable Guy is funny as shit. But come on.

And get this, his personalized license plate read:

THE HUGE

?????? What is THAT supposed to mean? Besides his truck was only an F-150 not an F-350. So it's not like he has a huge truck. I HOPE he's not referring to anything else. I don't need to know the size of your penis at 5:40 in the morning. Thanks

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

H-h-how c-c-can I h-h-help y-you????

Why the hell is it so COLD up in here?!?!?!?

I am literally shivering. I have a kinda gauzy thin sleeveless blouse on with a thin cardigan over it, and jeans on. I thought the cardigan would be enough. NOPE. So I pull out one of my blankets (I keep 2 of them here at work, no I'm not kidding) and wrap it around my legs. NOT enough. Still cold. So I put on my zip up hoodie-sweatshirt OVER my cardigan. I am finally to regular human body temp on the inside again, however my fingers and nose are about to fall off.

WHY???

Yes I work in a call center environment. And yes there are a lot of overweight women working here, due to the fact that we are required to be at our desks for our entire shift (sitting on our asses all day), and we have a RIDICULOUS amout of potlucks and pizza and ice cream parties, for dumbass reasons. For this reason (and also for the maintenance and IT guys that run all over the place all day long) there are complaints all the time about how it's "so hot in here...whew!".

Unfortunately, those of us with bodyfat percentages UNDER 40%, are required to keep sweat-hoodies, blankets and even scarves (yes I have one, and yes I have used it here, mainly to make a statement). I am by NO means anorexic, model thin, or even called a "skinny" person, (there go my male readers, lol). But I'm not fat. So I enjoy the inside temp to be around 78 degrees at the coldest. I believe they keep it 72 in here. I own a space heater, but the fire code won't allow it. WE ARE IN THE FICKIN DESERT!!!! I should not have to keep my long pants and sweaters in the closet in JUNE. AR-I-FICKIN-ZON-A people!!!!!

The only good thing about it is that I have resorted to squats and lunges at my desk in between calls. So at least my ass will get into shape. You would think that with a building THIS huge, they would want to lower their electric bill to save money. NOPE. It's fucking insane. Not fickin insane. FUCKIN insane. Wow I feel much better now. Anger tends to create internal heat. Thanks for listening.

Hey, does anyone else experience this problem at work?

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Hey, I'm baaaaaack...

I would first like to apologize for my absense. I know I don't need to apologize since this is MY blog, but I have just been in a funk lately. I can't completely explain it, but I have just become disheartened lately with my own situation and my friends situations with the men in their lives. But I couldn't keep quiet any longer so please forgive my temporary tantrum, but I need to get something out....

I'M TIRED OF IT.....

What am I tired of you may ask? Well there are PLENTY of things that I could go on and on about, but right now I'm tired of the following:

I am SO tired of seeing (and hearing/reading about) kick-ass beautiful women getting shit on or taken advantage of by the opposite sex. Now, BEFORE you men get all butt hurt and start calling me a feminist (which I am NOT), I DO understand that it works the other way around JUST as often. It just happens to be my female friends that are getting screwed (not in the good way) lately.

WHY?????

Why can't people be honest, and faithful and think of others for once? Have these qualities become extint? Is it because the good guys always seem to come in last, so they have been dwindled out of existance by "survival of the fittest"? Good guys don't make it. Is that it? This is a scary thought for me. This turns otherwise sane, amiable, respectable women into bitter, crazy bitches that don't trust ANYONE. I don't want to be like that. I love men. I love being around them, I love falling in love and I also enjoy the "no strings attached" idea also. All of the above CAN be enjoyed by most of us women. But it seems that lately, we can't enjoy those things anymore without a ridiculous amount of drama developing.

I used to have more guy friends than girlfriends. I enjoy their company better then hanging out with women (for the most part, and there are a few exceptions). I am a very liberal, open-minded non-typical female. I like watching sports (not an expert, I just like watching them), I like shooting guns, cuss like a sailor and like drinking beer. I enjoy shows like The Man Show and don't find them offensive. It takes a hell of a lot to offend or piss me off. I can see how this may make me sound like a butch lesbian, man-hating feminist...I AM NOT. I like a good manicure, pedicure and getting my hair done, drinking martini's and wearing high heels (when the situation calls for it) just like any other girl. But where do we draw the line?

It seems that men only want the chase. They WANT you to play hard to get. Then when they "get" you, they are bored with you. They WANT a girly-girl, then they can't stand how prissy you are. And I have learned that they seem to be intimidated by women that have a strong mind and can form their own opinions. God help them if you can actually hold your own in a conversation about sports. Then you just become one of their "buddies". Then eventually "fuck buddies".

How many times have you seen one of your really awesome friends hook up with a bitch/asshole? And what about the hot guys that seem to end up with an overweight Plane Jane's? I know it shouldn't be about looks, and its not. But it just seems that we aren't pretty enough for one half of the male population, and not ugly enough for the other.

I don't know. I haven't dated in 3 years. I have a WHOLE DIFFERENT view on men and can't understand my own situation, but I am not going in to that. I really do not intend for this to bash men AT ALL. I just have seen my friends going through these situations lately, and I know these women and know how fucking cool they are and beautiful they are, and I don't understand what it is that is blocking the vision of the men in their lives. Why? That's all I want to know.

Are the men just as jaded as us women? Is that why they are fucking us over? Because of the she-devils out there making the rest of us look bad? Why can't God, or some other invisible force bring us together, those of us that just want to love and be loved and respected in return?

So in case you meet one of us, bitter, gun shy, jaded women and wonder why we are the way we are, now you know.