Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Can't think of a title

I don't even know where to start.

I would apologize for the content of my posts, but I do that all the time. And this is me. If it brings you down, then click Next Blog.

What I want to know is what the fuck happened to me? How did this happen? How did I become this person I see in the mirror everyday?

Why is it so hard to let him go, yet so incredibly easy to let myself go?

I remember a time when I looked in the mirror, and although I would always think I could lose a couple pounds, or wished my hair was better or boobs bigger, I would secretly be pleased with what I saw. Nothing that would stop traffic, but I could turn a head here or there.

Slowly (but somehow at the same time, so quickly) I let things go. I stopped getting my hair cut every 6 weeks and higlighted or touched up every 8-10. I stopped getting my nails done. I stopped straightening my hair, or blowdrying it every morning. I used to be apalled to set foot anywhere without full makeup. Then I just somehow stopped caring. I stopped working out. Let myself gain weight until my looks are unacceptable. Well unacceptable for me anyway.

This is humiliating to admit these things. To admit that the pics I have posted from months ago, are starting to not resemble me anymore.

I just don't care. I just want to have energy and a desire to make myself better. It is the only way I can carry on with my life with him gone. But I just can't find those things. I think if I had a bigger income, I might be able to schedule some of these appointments, which could help, but that's not the case either.

I feel like I am in a spiral. A downward spiral. So why don't I climb out of it? Well you have to really care about something to help change it. And I don't. I don't have the energy. I want so bad to be the way I used to be. Not racked with fatigue and fucking pain every fucking minute. Not trying to count out pain medicine and determine which days I can go without so I don't get yelled at, at the pharmacy for wanting it refilled too soon.

I lost the person I love most in my life because I "brought him down." It was too much to deal with my condition. My depression. My pain. My fatigue. I wasn't a nice, neat little perfect package that could give and give and give without a word.

So, ya, I guess I just ruined the image of myself to any possible reader of this blog. Well guess what? This is the dark side of me. These are the spiderwebs that most people never get to see. This is the shit that I hope to never have to reveal to anyone close to me ever again. I hate who I am. I want out. I don't want this life anymore.

Put down the phone. No need to call suicide hotline. I'm not that stupid. But I can't help but admit that I want this life to end. But I want a new one to begin. I want this person that I have become to die. Forever. It's time to put her to bed. It's the only way I can see out of this. I can't stand who I am anymore.

I don't know how to start a new life as a new person. How do I just forget everything that has happened in my life? The mistakes I have made? Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind? I wish. I used to think that I would never want that. I said before that there were so many good things that I never want to forget. Well, all those good times were bullshit lies, so why NOT wipe everything clean, right?

I used to be the kind of person that has no regrets. Not anymore. I do regret a lot. I regret ever letting myself open up to anyone. It has never done anything but cause me grief. Ya, I may sound bitter, well whatever. I regret ever believing anyone with my whole heart. I regret trusting people I should have never trusted. I regret saying yes I will marry you. I regret saying I want to take care of you and love you for the rest of my life. I regret saying I want to have your children. I regret opening my heart, my life, my bed, my body.

This doesn't mean that I will never do these things again. For some fucked up reason I actually WANT to open up again, love again, trust again. I want to get married, I want to raise kids. I don't understand it, but I do. But I wish I had never done it in the past. Because all that shit back then, has turned me into who I am today. And that girl, I hate.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

FUCK

After not talking to my ex for two weeks (the first time we have gone that long without talking since we broke up) he called me. It was weird. I was having a really bad day, and like I said it was the first time since I have gone that long without speaking to him, even after we broke up (not counting the times he was in Iraq and Afghanistan of course), and it has been hard. Really hard. I had my hand on the phone, about to scroll down to his number and press send, but I made myself put down the phone. 3 hours later my phone rings. It was him. He said he just got this feeling that he should call me.

Damnit! Why do we still have a connection? Why? This is one of the fucking reasons it's so hard to get over him. He would always know when I needed him, even though we were 10 states away.

I just can't get over him. I love him. I am still IN love with him. Shit, I'm fucking starting to cry even writing this. Yes, I have hurt before after the end of a relationship and it's taken a long time to heal. This is not like that. I can't stop loving him as if he's my husband. I know we were only engaged but I just can't seem to stop these feelings.

Since he has been on vacation and at a location that doesn't get good reception, he told me he wouldn't be calling me for about 3 weeks or so, for that reason and also because maybe it would be better if he didn't call me for a while. To help us "separate" a bit I guess. I know this is true, but it still is hard. If we hadn't been best friends before we started dating, I don't think this would be so hard. But I lost both who I love AND my best friend at the same time.

Whatever. I have whined about all this before. I just am getting so scared that I may not heal from this. I don't want to heal. I wish I did, so I could move on. I'm not getting any younger. I'll be fucking 30 next year. 30. And single. And alone. This is a fate worse than death for a female. I don't want to be 40 when I finally want to date again, and then I'll end up some lonely lady with a bunch of dogs for kids. No one will want to marry me because they will always ask themselves "Why hasn't she ever married? Wonder what's wrong with her" That is my worst nightmare. And I'm not being funny.

FUCK. I can't make him love me like he used to. And I don't want someone to be with me because I begged them to give it another try. I want someone to want to be with me because they can't imagine life without me in it. That's what I used to have, or so I thought. How can I ever think that it will work with someone else? God it makes me sick to even write those words.

I need to get on with my life, I just don't know how. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! Fuck him. Fuck the last 3 years. Fuck ever feeling anything and believing that if we made it though 2 deployments and a fucking war, that we could make it though anything. It was all bullshit I guess. All of it.

It's funny. I wish I really felt those things I just wrote . I don't feel that. I don't want to just fuck it all. I do believe that we could have made it though anything. But he says that HE is more important right now than spending time and putting forth the effort for us. And I can't make him want something he obviously doesn't.


I wish I really knew if all the things he said to me over the years were true or just a lie. If they were really true, then I shouldn't give up. I should try to make it work. But I have a strong feeling it wasn't true. He knows I still love him. He knows I want us to work again. So he would have to make a move. I'm not going to make a fool out of myself anymore.

I just read what I wrote. It's pathetic. It really is. What it also is, is over. I need to stop acting like one of those whiney bitches on Days of Our Lives who just won't let it go. I will always love TM. But I know when to stop wishing and praying for something that is never going to happen, and that is now. Oh God this fucking hurts.

FUCK.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

That saying rang through my brain, as did a superstition, this afternoon.

I was walking along the open first level of our parking garage at work this afternoon. I had just hung up with Martini (who was off today, luckeeee), when something swooped down past my face and landed on the cement ledge to my left. Then again something flew closely over my head and landed on the cement wall to my right.

Both ravens. Black birds. Crows.

With their blackish-blue tinted feathers and shiny black beaks pointed at me. Beady eyes looking into mine. They said nothing. Just sat there as I walked past.

I thought of silly superstitions that I never believe in, and then laughed at how silly I was being, and kept walking.

Until, as I was exiting the garage, two more flew down from the roof or somewhere, and landed near my feet, well about 2 feet away. One to my left. Another, a bit farther ahead to my right.

A little strange, considering that I am not in a park, or near food, or water.

One bird, I would have thought nothing of, maybe two. But four? All within 10-15 seconds? All just sitting there looking at me (or at least facing me)? No garbage of food in site to be scavaging? No sensible reason that I could think of for them to be there.

I sped up my step, put out my cigarette and pressed the elevator button with a speed that I didn't know I had.

Crows or Ravens, are supposed to be considered messengers of death. "Believed to have the ability to smell the scent of death on a person, even before they die."

What were they telling me? Am I going to die? Well we are all going to die, but sooner than I had planned? Is a loved one in danger? Has someone I know passed?

I would have asked them, but I didn't want to know their answer.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Thank you...I love you.

I am going to have to learn how to say this. I don't want to continually bitch about everything in my life lately. I don't want to become that person that everyone hates to be around. But I just feel like I am surrounded by IDIOTS more and more each day.

"Thank you, I love you".

I have stolen this saying from the TV show Starved. It is a really funny show. Demented, yet really funny. It's about a group of friends with eating disorders. Every eating disorder is represented, and sadly, I can relate a tiny bit to each one.

One of the characters, Sam, starts dating a Yoga instructor who tries to get him to find other ways to express his agitation with people. Instead of yelling at someone, just say "Thank you, I love you" as you place your hands together in "prayer" position and slightly bow. They think you are being kind (or a freaky new ager) but only you know that is means "Fuck off, I hate you".

This is what I want to say to the lady next to me that keeps humming the same 8 notes OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. And to the girl that sits next to me that only stops talking long enough to post something on her online forum thing, and then she has to tell me detail after detail of what she wrote, what it means, who she responded to, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah fuckin' BLAH. Oh and don't forget the breathing. Oh ya, it's still loud and clear in the background.

FFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

Oh, I'm sorry... I meant to say, "Thank you, I fuckin' love you"!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Changes

So, ya, I changed my template without saving all my html. So I lost all the links I had and comments I had in HaloScan.

FUCK-IN DUMB!

So welcome to my new place! I'm not really thrilled about it, but I'm gonna try it out for a while. My other one was boring me. I will try to get everyone's link back up as soon as I can figure out the html for this one, and find the best place to put them, etc.

I seriously can't think of a damned thing to post about today. Blah. I have no mental energy to even think of anything. Nothing is really wrong, I'm just in neutral I guess. I have been sitting here waiting for a call to come in for 15 minutes now. It's so dead here. So that's why I am getting paid to blog. I can't complain I guess. Well, no, yes I can. No work is coming in. So it is relatively quiet. Which means, yes, I can hear Heavy Breather, Moviefone.com Guy, and Chronic Cougher LOUD AND CLEAR.

You see, they recently moved everyone in the department around (except for management's favorites of course). They told us that it was so "we can get to know our fellow team members". This is retarded. We get in trouble when we try to talk to our "neighbors" between calls. So that is obviously bullshit. I then find out it is because our other departments are moving to make room for our transplanted New Orleans employees. Why didn't they tell us this? This would have helped morale tremendously. Instead, they tell us what we all know is bullshit. And when an employee knows they are being lied to, they can't trust the person feeding them the lie. Right? This is bad management. So you are wondering why I am bitching when the move was for a good cause? Well I'm going to go out on a limb here, and maybe offend people.

Since our company had a location in Lousianna that was destroyed, we now have some of their employees here. I think this is awesome. I am impressed with our company's ability to plan ahead for disasters, and the way we searched for missing employees (all were found) and took care of them until they could be relocated. I think all of this is wonderful and worth the simple pain of moving my desk.

BUT

When I get a dirty look in return to my smile while passing them in the break room (3 different times) then I have to wonder why we are going out of our way for someone who is "looking the gift horse in the mouth" so to speak. If someone went out of their way to relocate you so you still have a good paying job, why would you look down on, or rudely to them. Granted, I myself did nothing to help these people, but I don't think they should be upset with me.

And moving my desk is not a bad thing. It's easy, and I got a faster computer. But at a price. I sit in between two people that find it necessary to talk to me at all times. Non stop. I like to talk to my coworkers to a point. Not all day long. And one of them finds it necessary to pry into my life and ask how it's going with the ex. Why haven't I started dating again yet? Why don't you let me set you up with so-n-so? And the other talks non stop about her online gaming and chat room conversations. I have sat by both these girls in the past, and they both know that I am not a talkative person in the mornings. I think they have forgotten.

Then, as you have read about before, there is Heavy Breather. He sits behind me about about 8 ft away. His breathing is out of control. Like the noise you hear when you let the air out of your tires. Breathe innnnnnnnn....breathe ouuuuuuttttttt. Over and over and over and over. Mixed with intermittent nose blowing. And nose blowing grosses me out. Because of the nose blowing, I thought this breathing condition was due to a cold, sinus infection, etc. Something that will go away. However, it has been 2 weeks now, and no change. I want to go over there and pinch his nose shut so he has to breathe though his mouth.

And of course I can't forget about Moviefone Guy. Before we made this recent move, I sat by him. And on the other side was Marge Simpson's Sister. I asked to be moved. I couldn't work, or concentrate. My sup understood. She moved me far away by her. Where it's quiet. One month later, we make this move, and where does she place me? Right next to Moviefone. Unh-uh. Not gonna happen. I asked her if she even remembers the reason I was moved by her. She said she forgot and placed me where I am now. Marge Simpson's sister: She's about 65+ yrs old and smokes what has to be no less than 3 packs a day (judging from her voice anyway) and has a LOUD New Jersey accent.

"HIIIII-YA!!! HOW-WAH YEW?!?!"

Grrrrrr. And I honestly cannot explain Moviefone guy. But he really does talk just like the guy that announces when the movies are over the phone. EXTREMLY LOUD. He also is known as Weasel Man. He lookes like a weasel. Really. And he has green-ish, fuzzy, decaying teeth. That's right. I said fuzzy. I hate to admit that I am creeped out. I feel bad, but I can't help it.

I would like to try to justify my behavior. I am generally NOT a mean person to anyone. Maybe that's why I seem to take it out in other ways, like blogging about it. I would NEVER make fun of someone to their face. Not even behind their back (unless this would be considered behind their back). And it's not really that I am making fun of them. I am venting about what makes me have to smoke on my breaks again, so I can relax and get away from them.

I just got back from my break. I feel a little better with the nicotine running in my bloodstream. I hate that I can't sit at my desk during my breaks anymore, but oh well. I want so badly to stand on my desk and tell everyone around me to fuckin' SHUT IT!!!

***I just read over what I have written, and can see that I sound pretty whiney, so for that I apologize. But I'm posting it anyway, because I can. I hope everyone's day is a little more peaceful than mine. ***

Friday, September 16, 2005

I want...

So... I'm at a loss as to what to post about today. So I thought I would try posting about the things that I want. Some I want now, some I want in the future or "someday". Here goes...

I want...

...to marry Joey from Friends. When he fell in love with Rachel, I fell in love with him. Hey, how YOU doin'? LOL

...to go to Canada. I've only been there once, and I was too young to remember.

...to speak French fluently.

...to visit another continent. Like Europe, or Australia.

...to swim with dolphins.

...bigger boobs.

...two more tattoos, maybe three...damn they're addicting.

...to vacation in Tahiti.

...to someday have a home with lot's of land so I can foster homeless dogs, or dogs that need rehabilitation (after surgery or abuse) until I can find them a home.

...to have Greg Sanders' job (when he worked in the crime lab) on CSI. (He's so hot)

...to decorate my house and office for Halloween, my favorite holiday.

...work more hours.

...find a second job at a Doggy Day Care.

...have more engery and less pain.

...see Sting (damn he's beautiful) and Tori perform live before I die.

..."meet" (hee hee) Tommy Lee (drummers....yummy).

...get married and have 3 kids (two boys and a girl in that order). Okay, well at least one.

...fall in love again. I think. Maybe not...

...go snow skiing again before I forget how.

...learn to snowboard.

...have enough money to help anyone that comes into my life that needs it.

...tell the "Heavy Breather" guy that sits behind me to shut the fuck up! It is NOT necessary to breathe that loud ALL DAY LONG.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

It's alright...

So let go,
So let go.
Jump In.
Oh well what you waiting for?
It's alright.
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

I remember...

I lived in Texas at the time. I remember driving my piece of shit car to work as usual, trying to calculate how late I was going to be if I got stuck behind the train again, as I normally did (only when I was running late of course). I think I was listening to Howard Stern, or maybe Bob and Tom morning show. I can't remember. I know it was normally a funny show, so it was odd to hear a serious tone in the DJ's voices. So I turned up the volume as I lit my cigarette. They reported that a plane had flown into one of the Twin Towers. They were remarking on how this was so strange, and wondered how it happened. Then minutes later, they noted that it was suspected terrorism. "Terrorism?" I thought. But why? I walked into the hospital (where I worked Human Resourses at the time) and things were already different. Groups of people were gathered together discussing what had happened in New York. I turned left down the hall towards my office, having to pass the lab. A large TV was kept in the lab, always on so that if tornado weather was reported, the employees could shut down certain equipment. When I passed the lab, all I heard was a news reporter. No employees talking, no patients waiting. So I walked in.

I gathered around the lab techs and saw what I had heard about on the radio. It made it so real. Fire, smoke billowing out of this once grand structure.

Then it happened.

We saw it.

We saw the second tower get hit. We thought it was just an instant replay of the first tower getting hit, but then we realized, no one was filming when the first tower was hit. Why would they? It immediately went silent. The news reporter was silent for second then gushing out the details of what we just saw. I wondered what the hell was going to happen next.

I just walked out of the lab and opened the HR office, sat at my desk, turned on the radio and just sat there. My boss (who happened to also be my very good friend) walked in. She came in the back way, and always listened to CDs on the way to work. She had no idea what was going on. I told her to sit down and listen. We heard about the Pentagon, and Pennsylvania. She started crying. I was just shocked. I had no emotions about it. I just kept asking myself how this was happening.

Needless to say, no work was done that day. We all just tried to help each other understand what was going on. Some had family there. Luckily my family in New York resides upstate. No where near the attacks. I called them anyway to tell them I love them. The rest of the day was a blur.

I remember coming home, and turning on the TV. I had no choice of things to watch. It was too soon for any editing of the footage to have taken place yet, so I saw some things I shouldn't have. I watched as a camera man in a helicopter zoomed in on a man standing at a window with thick black smoke pouring out. He was going to die. There was no way for him to be rescued. I watched as he swung a leg outside the window, then another. He briefly looked back, to reassure himself there was no other choice, and he jumped. The camera man follwed him down. Then focused on a woman, making the same choice. I sat there in shock. I couldn't be seeing this. This couldn't be true.

Then the tears came. Pouring down my cheeks. And I sobbed. Not for me, and my own fears. But for those individuals that actually had to choose how to die that day. For their families. I prayed that this footage would be destroyed, and that these individuals' loved ones had not tuned in to this station.

Sobs escaped my chest. How could this happen? How could we have been fooled into thinking we were the most powerful and intimidating country on earth? That we were invinsible? How could I have lived my life thinking nothing could happen to us?

My dog Sevin, came rushing to my side, seeing my tears and hearing me cry. She just whimpered and licked the tears from my face. I hugged her tight and said "Sevin, something terrible has happened today, girl. I know you can't understand, but it's more terrible than you could ever imagine. What are we going to do?".

She looked at me. Licked away another tear, layed down in my lap, and just sighed. She didn't know...


... and neither did I.


Thursday, September 08, 2005

Revelations

So I was early to work today. This is astonishing for anyone that knows me. Not that I am late all the time (to work...other things, ya I'm notorious for being late) but I am never early. Never.

Anyways, being early allowed me to experience some cool things.

First, I found out that the ramp metering for the freeways doesn't start until 5:30 am. I usually enter the freeway at 5:40 and have to stop on the on-ramp and wait for the green light. Today, I was early so I got to just zip on through.

Second, I was driving along, and turned to look out my left window, and saw it. The most beautiful 18 wheeler truck I have ever seen. It was calling out to me...DR PEPPER. I wished I had a camera. I sped up to try to see if the driver was hot (of course he would be, only hot guys should drive the Dr Pepper trucks), but it was still dark out so I couldn't see. Oh well...

Then, out of no where, it started raining. I didn't hear that we were expecting rain. And it was just for about 30 seconds. It was dark so I didn't see any clouds, but it was still beautiful and the smell was invigorating.

It also helped that I had time to grab my Disturbed and Garden State CD's so I had good music to drive to. I was kind of split on what mood to be in though. I first listened to Garden State (Don't Panic by Coldplay) and that hit the spot. Then I put in Disturbed (Awaken...great song) and that was perfect. Just what I needed to get my blood flowing. Music really is awesome in what it can do for you.

Lastly, my boss saw me at my desk earlier than I normally am, and said "If you sign in now, instead of your normal time, and take the calls that are on hold, I will give you a 'dress down' sticker and a 15 minute certificate". I of course said yes, and told her that wasn't necessary, but she gave them to me anyway. Yeah! (A dress down sticker allows me to wear jeans and a t-shirt on days when we are normally not allowed to. A 15 minute certificate is pretty much just an extra paid break, whenever we want to use it.)

So, it paid off to get to work early. And, I didn't have to worry about traffic, speeding, etc. It's great. If you are a last minute person like me, you should try it.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Thanks Rainy Pete...

For this stolen quiz thingy since I'm sure everyone is dying to find out more about me. HA!

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? My eyes I guess.
2. How much cash do you have on you right now? $5.45
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? Best
4. Favorite plant? Tulips came to mind first (my favorite flower) but I guess that isn't a plant. Hmmm...I guess it would have to be the Aloe Vera plant or the Blue Agave. They are both beautiful, and useful.
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? My Ex
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? The Cingular tone.
7. What shirt are you wearing? A long sleeve black T-Shirt from Old navy
8. Do you "label" yourself? This is an interesting question. I don't think I do. I used to label myself while I was growing up. But I am just me.
9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing? Doc Martens (sandals)
10. Do you prefer a bright or dark room? I prefer darker colors, but lots of sunshine
11. What did you have for breakfast? Dr Pepper and a cigarette. I might make a peanut butter sandwich later. Mmmm Mmmm!!!
12. Since question 12 is weirdly missing, make some shit up. What was the last dream you can remember having? I was living in LA selling drugs for a living. (I watched Weeds before going to bed obviously)
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching Miami Ink on TLC.
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? "You left your goodies over here. I'll watch them for ya. Peace."
15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners? NEVER....fuckin' spam....Grrrrr
16. What's an expression that you say a lot? "Gimme a fuckin' break"
17. Who told you they loved you last? Without me saying it first? That would be my mom I guess.
18. Last furry thing you touched? Mellow's dog Halen. She is so cute!!!
19. How many hours a week do you work? Currently I work 30 hrs/week. I asked for 40 but they said we were too slow (obviously, since I am doing this at work) so I am looking for a second job.
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? None.
21. Favorite age you have been so far? When I was 21 I thought that was my favorite, and I dreaded ever having to turn 25, but now that I am 29, I really miss being 25. That was the funnest time in my life.
22. Your worst enemy? The "calorie". LOL I don't really have enemies.
23. What is your current desk top picture? Fraggle Rock picture.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "Don't take them all at once... "
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to go back in time and fix all your mistakes, which would you choose? One million bucks of course. The money would help me forget all the mistakes I made. Besides, I wouldn't change a thing I did in life. Well, that's not true, if I could, I would have never accepted those credit cards when I was 18.

I hope you all are enduring your "fake Monday's". Take Care.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

So, it's Sunday..

But it's not sad, because I am off tomorrow. Labor Day rocks!

Martini left at the butt crack of dawn this morning, to see her brother get married in Vegas. I know she is going to have a great time. She took a camera with her, so maybe there will be some good pictures.

Mzmojo and Mellow hung out here with us last night. Mojo made Chicken Enchilads from scratch (yummy!) and the only contribution I made to dinner was French Onion Dip (Soup mix added to a carton of sour cream...can't fuck that up) and Ruffles. Wine, Sparks, Miller Light and Dr Pepper (of course) were poured and we had a great time hanging out and watching Big Brother. It was really good to see them since Mojo only gets to come down here every so often and Mellow has such a busy life. It's really cool that they get to have fun once in a while.

So it's gonna be really lonely in the house by myself this weekend, but I'll just clean and get caught up on all the movies I haven't seen yet.

I feel really bad, because my friend that we went out with last weekend for her bachelorette party, got married last night, and I didn't show up. All day long I just had this pit in my stomach that made me not want to go, and I just couldn't figure it out. Then, while we were picking up the wine at CostPlus, I overheard a couple telling a cashier next to us that they "just got married" and then the damned cashier (cute perfect blonde of course) had to say "wow, I just got married this summer too!". I wanted to puke. I just blurted out "Oh give me a Goddamned break" maybe a little too loud to be appropriate, and Martini and Mojo looked at me like I was crazy. I realized I may be just a tad bit bitter. Damn it. I didn't want to be bitter. Or jealous. But as I was getting ready for this wedding, I started to feel like I was having a panic attack. And I walked out into the living room to grab my keys and tears came to my eyes. I just said, "I can't do this. I can't go watch someone pledge their undying love to each other." So I called my other friend that I was supposed to meet there and told her that I wasn't going. I hope my friend isn't going to be upset that I ditched her wedding, but I just couldn't.

It turns out that the girl I was supposed to meet there isn't going either. Her sister lives in New Orleans and she hasn't been able to make contact with her since the hurricane. So she has had a terrible week, and was too emotionally spent to go either. That made me realize that things could be worse for me. So I tried to stop feeling sorry for myself, and decided that I should shut up and start praying for the victims; that they can hold on until help arrives. I truly hope that my friend's sister can get hold of her soon to let her know she is okay. I grew up as an only child, so I don't know what a sister bond is like. But I know it must be killing her, not knowing.

I may head over to Mellow's house later to just hang with her and Mojo, watch movies and eat "bad-for-me" pizza, so I can get these things out of my mind. I hope you are all able to enjoy your weekend.

P.S. Check the post below later. I will try to add more pics.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Good Morning

Good Morning Everyone.

I am sitting here typing and watching Days of Our Lives (Tivo'd from yesterday) while Mzmojo and Martini are cooking us breakfast. Bacon and everything. Yummmmm, bacon. Nothing in the world smells better than bacon cooking in the morning.

So I didn't go out, or do anything last night because whatever I ate made me sicker than a dog. Shit, I can't even eat my own cooking.

So the Coldplay pics are here:

Below is the first pre-show Madori frozen margarita. I tried to write Hey Fuckers on the frosty glass but you can't see it that well.




















The tickets. We stared at the date on these tickets for so long waiting for it to arrive, we had to take a picture because the day was finally here.















As we were pulling into the parking, we saw DMB advertised, so we took a pic. Yay Dave!















One lonely $8 beer in the grass.















Drinking in the parking lot. Mmmmm Sparks!




















Fucking Heartburn from margaritas and no food. Rolaids, Marlboros and Fiji. The perfect concoction!




















Blurry Twighlight Pic of the lawn filling up.















They're almost on.....















Opening Song















Double the pleasure, double the fun! Yummy Chris!















Yellow

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Strange and Beautiful

Sometimes...
The last thing you want, comes in first.

Sometimes...
The first thing you want never comes.

And I know, that waiting is all you can do....

Sometimes.

Strange and Beautiful is one of my favorite songs from the Wickerpark soundtrack. It has made me want to check out the rest of Aqualung's songs. (If you click on that link, and are interested in hearing that song, scroll to bottom to hear the recorded version on the self titled album. The live version does NOT do it justice) The rest of the lyrics are a little obsessive, but that's why it fits perfectly into the movie. It's a hauntingly beautiful song, and that portion of the song is so true.

I also really liked Retour A Vega by The Stills. I love singing in French. :)


Just felt like posting that.

Oh, and gas went up again tonight. 10 more cents. Fuckers.

Uh, what time is it tomorrow?

I am at work, and was just told I had to contact some agencies in Guam. So I start calling, and after three different attempts with no answer, I wonder, hmmmm, I haven't even thought of the time difference. I wonder what time it is? So I look online to try to find the local time and, um, ya...it was 4:15 am...tomorrow over there. So, it doesn't look like I'm reaching anyone anytime soon.

However I did discover a nifty site that I will now use regularly.

What can ya do, ya know?

Overnight, we were raped.

While we slept, the pimple faced, skinny, tweeked out gas station attendants snuck out with their clear plastic numbers and decided to change the 6 to an 8 raising gas from $2.67 a gallon, to $2.87 a gallon. 20 fucking cents! Granted, .20 is not a lot when you think about it, but it already went up around here by 20 cents over the last 4 weeks. And when I bought my truck, June 2003, I filled my tank on $21.00 Yesterday I put that amount in my truck and got half a tank! This really sucks, but what can ya do, ya know? I HAVE to drive. To work at least. I work 12 miles from my home, which isn't too bad, but I can't very well ride my bike (wait, I don't even OWN a bike), unless I leave 3 hours before my start time.

So I am trying to see the good in this. Maybe less people will drive to places they could walk to, especially once the weather gets reasonable. This may lead to a tiny bit less congestion on the freeways and maybe less pollution from exhaust. I have a feeling though, that the price increase is going to continue over the weekend. So who knows how much we will be paying next?