Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Can't think of a title

I don't even know where to start.

I would apologize for the content of my posts, but I do that all the time. And this is me. If it brings you down, then click Next Blog.

What I want to know is what the fuck happened to me? How did this happen? How did I become this person I see in the mirror everyday?

Why is it so hard to let him go, yet so incredibly easy to let myself go?

I remember a time when I looked in the mirror, and although I would always think I could lose a couple pounds, or wished my hair was better or boobs bigger, I would secretly be pleased with what I saw. Nothing that would stop traffic, but I could turn a head here or there.

Slowly (but somehow at the same time, so quickly) I let things go. I stopped getting my hair cut every 6 weeks and higlighted or touched up every 8-10. I stopped getting my nails done. I stopped straightening my hair, or blowdrying it every morning. I used to be apalled to set foot anywhere without full makeup. Then I just somehow stopped caring. I stopped working out. Let myself gain weight until my looks are unacceptable. Well unacceptable for me anyway.

This is humiliating to admit these things. To admit that the pics I have posted from months ago, are starting to not resemble me anymore.

I just don't care. I just want to have energy and a desire to make myself better. It is the only way I can carry on with my life with him gone. But I just can't find those things. I think if I had a bigger income, I might be able to schedule some of these appointments, which could help, but that's not the case either.

I feel like I am in a spiral. A downward spiral. So why don't I climb out of it? Well you have to really care about something to help change it. And I don't. I don't have the energy. I want so bad to be the way I used to be. Not racked with fatigue and fucking pain every fucking minute. Not trying to count out pain medicine and determine which days I can go without so I don't get yelled at, at the pharmacy for wanting it refilled too soon.

I lost the person I love most in my life because I "brought him down." It was too much to deal with my condition. My depression. My pain. My fatigue. I wasn't a nice, neat little perfect package that could give and give and give without a word.

So, ya, I guess I just ruined the image of myself to any possible reader of this blog. Well guess what? This is the dark side of me. These are the spiderwebs that most people never get to see. This is the shit that I hope to never have to reveal to anyone close to me ever again. I hate who I am. I want out. I don't want this life anymore.

Put down the phone. No need to call suicide hotline. I'm not that stupid. But I can't help but admit that I want this life to end. But I want a new one to begin. I want this person that I have become to die. Forever. It's time to put her to bed. It's the only way I can see out of this. I can't stand who I am anymore.

I don't know how to start a new life as a new person. How do I just forget everything that has happened in my life? The mistakes I have made? Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind? I wish. I used to think that I would never want that. I said before that there were so many good things that I never want to forget. Well, all those good times were bullshit lies, so why NOT wipe everything clean, right?

I used to be the kind of person that has no regrets. Not anymore. I do regret a lot. I regret ever letting myself open up to anyone. It has never done anything but cause me grief. Ya, I may sound bitter, well whatever. I regret ever believing anyone with my whole heart. I regret trusting people I should have never trusted. I regret saying yes I will marry you. I regret saying I want to take care of you and love you for the rest of my life. I regret saying I want to have your children. I regret opening my heart, my life, my bed, my body.

This doesn't mean that I will never do these things again. For some fucked up reason I actually WANT to open up again, love again, trust again. I want to get married, I want to raise kids. I don't understand it, but I do. But I wish I had never done it in the past. Because all that shit back then, has turned me into who I am today. And that girl, I hate.


At 12:02 PM, Blogger Andrea Peterson said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Rainypete said...

Ahhh spam, is there anything better for depression than spam.

Wanting to open up to someone else isn't a bad thing at all. It shows thta there is hope still. You need to realize what's good in yourself. Wcrew your appearance, you can fix that whenever you feel ready to. It's inside that needs the work and the help. Realize what you're worth, what you're good at, and you'll slowly begin to turn things around.

It isn't easy to shine the light in the dark spots to see what's there, but you may be surorised at the results.

At 1:20 PM, Blogger That Girl said...

Hang in there. I feel like there was a time that all of my posts were like these. Questioning everything, not knowing where I was going, over analyzing "whys" and "hows". We all go through a time that we aren't happy with more things than we're actually satisfied with. It will pass. Things will come around.

I will now tell you the most frustrating advice in the world (I hated to get it, but it was true):

Be patient. Everything always works out...even if it's not the way you expected.

At 6:07 AM, Blogger Martini Love said...

I hate that you are feeling this way and I want you to be able to get back to being yourself and being happy. You know anything I can help you with I will I just want you to know you are one of my greatest and best friends and one of the best people I have ever met and it kills me that you are feeling this inside but it does take time and you can get it back, I have faith in you, I know you can find it in yourself to do so. Love ya girl :)

At 6:15 PM, Blogger happyandblue2 said...

That was a very open and honest post about how you feel at the moment.
You have some really cool friends here that are all willing to support you..

At 6:18 AM, Blogger jyny said...

Thanks to everyone for your comments. I was going to disable contents after I first posted it, but now I'm glad I didn't. I know things will get better for me, I just have to work at it and have patience.

At 3:45 PM, Blogger Minerva said...

So much strength...well done...
You will get through this - it will be painful, it will hurt and you will come through, different, better, stronger and love will happen again...

Thinking of you, and wishing I would give you a proper hug,


At 1:24 AM, Blogger dan said...

i'll email soon. sorry to hear you feeling shitty again

At 1:30 AM, Blogger Martini Love said...

Thanks for tonight.. hope you liked the flicks I mad ya suffer thourgh.. sorr cant type martini here hehe :)

At 7:53 AM, Blogger dan said...

you know, it is hard to move on, and you sound like you're ready for that now.

i know it's cliche, but the longest journey starts with a single step. and you've taken that step by letting everything spill out here.

At 2:33 PM, Blogger MJ said...

I think everyone goes through these kind of feelings. I know that I have but things will start looking up. Keep working on yourself and trying to open up. I know how scary it is to expose who you really are but in the long run its really the best thing.

At 2:16 PM, Blogger happyandblue2 said...

Missing your posts..

At 3:18 PM, Blogger Amber Lynn said...


I remember being there. Regret seemed to haunt my future as well as my present.

So I worked through it. I now don't remember that person really well. I see my regrets as building who I am now. I found grace in everything and I can't believe I am loved enough to be where I am right now. You are loved. You are cherished. You are everything you think you aren't, you're just listening to the wrong person.

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At 10:57 AM, Blogger Martini Love said...

Look at all the spammers grrr... they have attacked your blog


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