Tuesday, September 27, 2005

FUCK

After not talking to my ex for two weeks (the first time we have gone that long without talking since we broke up) he called me. It was weird. I was having a really bad day, and like I said it was the first time since I have gone that long without speaking to him, even after we broke up (not counting the times he was in Iraq and Afghanistan of course), and it has been hard. Really hard. I had my hand on the phone, about to scroll down to his number and press send, but I made myself put down the phone. 3 hours later my phone rings. It was him. He said he just got this feeling that he should call me.

Damnit! Why do we still have a connection? Why? This is one of the fucking reasons it's so hard to get over him. He would always know when I needed him, even though we were 10 states away.

I just can't get over him. I love him. I am still IN love with him. Shit, I'm fucking starting to cry even writing this. Yes, I have hurt before after the end of a relationship and it's taken a long time to heal. This is not like that. I can't stop loving him as if he's my husband. I know we were only engaged but I just can't seem to stop these feelings.

Since he has been on vacation and at a location that doesn't get good reception, he told me he wouldn't be calling me for about 3 weeks or so, for that reason and also because maybe it would be better if he didn't call me for a while. To help us "separate" a bit I guess. I know this is true, but it still is hard. If we hadn't been best friends before we started dating, I don't think this would be so hard. But I lost both who I love AND my best friend at the same time.

Whatever. I have whined about all this before. I just am getting so scared that I may not heal from this. I don't want to heal. I wish I did, so I could move on. I'm not getting any younger. I'll be fucking 30 next year. 30. And single. And alone. This is a fate worse than death for a female. I don't want to be 40 when I finally want to date again, and then I'll end up some lonely lady with a bunch of dogs for kids. No one will want to marry me because they will always ask themselves "Why hasn't she ever married? Wonder what's wrong with her" That is my worst nightmare. And I'm not being funny.

FUCK. I can't make him love me like he used to. And I don't want someone to be with me because I begged them to give it another try. I want someone to want to be with me because they can't imagine life without me in it. That's what I used to have, or so I thought. How can I ever think that it will work with someone else? God it makes me sick to even write those words.

I need to get on with my life, I just don't know how. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! Fuck him. Fuck the last 3 years. Fuck ever feeling anything and believing that if we made it though 2 deployments and a fucking war, that we could make it though anything. It was all bullshit I guess. All of it.

It's funny. I wish I really felt those things I just wrote . I don't feel that. I don't want to just fuck it all. I do believe that we could have made it though anything. But he says that HE is more important right now than spending time and putting forth the effort for us. And I can't make him want something he obviously doesn't.


I wish I really knew if all the things he said to me over the years were true or just a lie. If they were really true, then I shouldn't give up. I should try to make it work. But I have a strong feeling it wasn't true. He knows I still love him. He knows I want us to work again. So he would have to make a move. I'm not going to make a fool out of myself anymore.

I just read what I wrote. It's pathetic. It really is. What it also is, is over. I need to stop acting like one of those whiney bitches on Days of Our Lives who just won't let it go. I will always love TM. But I know when to stop wishing and praying for something that is never going to happen, and that is now. Oh God this fucking hurts.

FUCK.

4 Comments:

At 11:56 AM, Blogger Aims said...

I am not sure how long the 2 of you have been apart but I want to tell you a about my cousin which I hope will help you realise you can still have a happy future. My cousin & her chap got together when they were 15. She's now 37 & about 2 years ago they split up. He almost immediately moved in with another woman & got her pregnant. My cousin now has a gorgeous flat, an even more gorgeous car, tons of new friends & she goes out on dates. I am sure she has her lonely moments but she told me recently she's happier than she's been in ages and is really loving being single & doing what she wants when she wants. She doesn't feel she is, or will be left on the shelf either. I hope this helps you.

 
At 12:09 PM, Blogger Martini Love said...

Hurts like hell and you know that I know what you feel. There is no time that you are supposed to be over this, it's not that easy, it is fucking hard but that is what people like me and this here blog are for. You are right you should move on but when is your choice no time limit, and if you need to let it all out and talk about it you do that. you are in no way shape or form like Sami Brady (hehe,she is a nut job) Getting over someone takes time, sometimes a day sometimes years. Don't worry about the 30 thing.. I know easier said then done but I'm hoping that you try. I think you are one of the best people ever and you deserve to move on and have a great life.. Holy shit this is a fucking long comment I will see you later today I will chat with you then... sorry for the long comment!!

 
At 7:54 PM, Blogger jyny said...

Thanks guys for the comments, and thanks for reminding me that I can be happy at any age. But I don't WANT to be happy at any age. I want to be happy now. We have only been apart almost 6 months. But it still seems like yesterday that I died. It was a year ago (in two weeks) that he asked me to marry him. I thought that I would be getting fittings for a dress and talking to photographers right now, but instead I am writing this. Engaged only 6 months and it went to fucking hell. I thought I was doing better but I'm just not. Thank you, and I know I will eventually see all of what you guys are talking about, but right now I just can't.

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger dan said...

man, that's heavy.

"Why hasn't she ever married? Wonder what's wrong with her"

i hear that.

 

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