You've GOT to be joking....

A small post for now

2006-01-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

***WARNING, I AM GOING TO USE PROFANITY IN THIS POST***

So if you are at work, and they monitor you, don't read it.

FUCK HIM for calling me and making me cry.

FUCK HIM for being condescending and telling me that "he knows I am going to find someone else and be happy someday".

FUCK HIM for telling me that "he knows it's hard for me to hear his voice".

FUCK HIM for continuing to call me after I emailed him and told him I can only talk online and not on the phone anymore.

FUCK HIM for telling me he does it because he still wants to hear my voice everyday.

FUCK MYSELF for losing my nerve and answering the goddamned phone.

More later... no really I promise. I just need to cry and smoke and go to bed. And yes I am aware that it has been 9 fucking months since we broke up. I am dealing with it the best I can. I have more good days than bad now...this just isn't one of them.

2005-12-28T16:26:00.000-07:00

2005-12-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

Part 3

2005-12-12T22:26:00.000-07:00

(Continued from last post)

So I fast forward a couple days to Friday. It was February 12th 1993. Why do I remember that day? Well I remember it for a couple reasons. The first was because it was the day I was asked on my first "real" date. It was going to be a group date, but it was still going to be a date. The date was for the following Sunday which was going to be Valentine's day, and the guys were going to take us girls out for bowling and dinner. I was nervous and excited. No one had ever asked me on a date before. Yes, I was sixteen, almost a month away from 17, and never been on a real date. I had always just met guys through friends, and well, just hooked up and became a "couple". So my stomach was filled with butterflies.

Another reason that day sticks out in my memory was the bomb threat.

The day started like most days, with my mom dropping me off at the smoking section on her way to work. (Yes it was an official smoking section at my school. It was closed down at the end of the next year, so my graduating class was the last to have it.) I walked in, searched for and found Chrissy talking to Todd and another of my friends Michelle. So I walk over, and Todd asks me to help pull his hair back in a pony tail. As I'm straightening his pony tail, he asked me if I would like to join him for dinner and bowling for Valentine's night with the "group". I blush (there's that damned blushing again) and say yes. So we all start talking about something or other, and then I realize that I am out of cigarettes. So I ask Chrissy if I can bum a couple until we can go get some at lunch. She opens her pack and only has one left. Michelle states she is out too. So we collectively decide that it is more important to ditch 1st hour and head to Circle K for smokes and then to Dunkin donuts for breakfast. So off we go in Todd's huge, ugly, bright blue, "hoopty" Chevy Impala. As we sneak back on campus through the back gate, we notice everyone, and I mean everyone evacuating all the classrooms and heading out to the football Stadium.

In the chaos, I manage to find a classmate from the hour I just ditched and she fills me in. A man phoned in a bomb threat and was believable enough to cause 3000 students to evacuate. So we follow everyone to the field and find a place on the bleachers. You would think everyone would be freaking out, crying, stressed out, scared or in panic mode. Well, as far as my memory serves, it was not like that at all. It was one of the funnest times that year. It was like a giant get-together or party on the bleachers. Somehow a few people managed to have a radio, so we had music blasting over the PA system, the faculty were too frantic and busy to stop us from smoking, and to top it off we weren't in class. Hooray!

No one REALLY believed there was stupid bomb. We watched the cops arrive with the robot they send in to dismantle suspected explosives. It turns out it was some kind of smoke bomb or a poorly put together bomb that didn't go off. It was disposed of, and by that time it was lunch, so we were all told to leave for lunch but there was no reason that we shouldn't return at the regularly scheduled time. So we leave (with no intention of returning of course). My house was the closest so we headed there. Before we left, I called my mom and asked if "the gang" could come with me. She said it was cool.

Now I had been talking to my mom about this guy, Todd, that Chrissy was setting me up with all week, so my mom was excited to meet him and see what he was like. She told me she would bring us all lunch to the house so she could meet everyone. I remember when she walked in, she saw these two long haired guys and kept looking from one to the other. She later told me she was praying that the one with the piercings and tattoos wasn't Todd, and was so relieved when I introduced that one as Colby. We talked about the craziness on campus (minus the details of ditching 1st hour) and what we had planned for Sunday. Everyone loved my mom with her Southern accent, good sense of humor and unsuccessful attempts to be "cool" in front of my friends. It was a great time.

I knew most students were not going back to class that day, claiming that their parents were too afraid to let them return. So they decided there was to be no official attendance the rest of the day. With that information, do you even have to ask what our plans were? Well they DID NOT include driving back to school, that's for sure. My mom decided that was fine, she headed to work and we hung at the house for a couple hours so I could be there to answer the automated phone call that is made to parents when you turn up absent from one of your classes. And you had to listen to the entire message, because if you hung up in the middle, it would call back a couple hours later. So the call came,

"This is Dobson High School calling to inform you that your child has been absent from one or more classes in the most recent school day..." blah blah blah

I listened, hung up at the end of the call, and left, excited to spend the rest of the day sans teachers, lockers, dress codes (that I was always violating) or tests.

And off we were again, for another adventure in the big, blue "Hoopty-Mobile. "

Details of the date will follow...

Story Part 2

2005-12-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

PART 2

(continued from last post)

So the next day, Chrissy tells me they are having band practice and that I should come. I was still sketchy about being hooked up with Todd, but I’m a sucker for musicians and local bands, so I go. They practice at the Guitarist’s house. His parents closed off the garage and sound proofed it to make it into a practice room. I was impressed. I walk in and am introduced to the band. Todd acts like he could care less that I am there, Terry the guitarist is friendly enough, Dan the bass player just smiles hello (extremely shy guy), and Colby the singer is super nice and I knew immediately that I would become great friends with him.

So Chrissy, Beckie (guitarist’s GF) and I leave the practice room and go outside to smoke and talk about the “boys”. Although it is soundproof, we can still hear the music out on the driveway, and I discover that they are really good for a high school band and I like their sound. Chrissy and Becky proceed to tell me that ever since the other day, all Todd has talked about is me, and how he wants my number (???) They ask me (in true high school style) if I like him. Do I think he’s hot? Etc, etc. I explain that all through Jr High we ran with different crowds who didn’t like each other. He was a complete snob (short hair that was always styled just perfect, in the school band, preppy looking clothes); I was a scary stoner ( black eye makeup, black clothes, jean jacket with Metallica and Iron Maiden written all over it and all).

Becky says he has completely changed, and I can see that, because now he has long hair, dresses WAY different, etc. And now that I can get past our mutual “dislike” for each other, I notice that he IS kinda hot…

Well the music stops and we hear the guys come outside to join us. They are all sweaty (which I have to say looked nice) and hopped up on adrenaline from getting a new song together. (That song will later become my favorite of them all, Power of Destruction) After some small talk they invite us to come in and listen to them jam a while. I become fascinated with the drums and Todd’s double bass skills, amazed that the singer Colby is barely 15 years old and has more tattoos than anyone at our high school, and both nipples pierced. Just as I realize that I am going to love hanging with these guys, I also realize that I have to go. My mom needed her car back, and I had homework. So I get up, explaining that I have to go, lingering as long as I can waiting for Todd to get the nerve to ask for my number. After a long awkward pause I leave and head to my car, cursing Chrissy as a liar under my breath.

But, as I’m about to get in the car, Todd comes running out with a piece of paper and a pen and asks if I would mind if he called me. I blush (I can never control that reflex) and say of course I wouldn’t mind as I'm scribbling down my number. He says he will see me in the smoking section with the others in the morning. I say okay, close the door, start the engine and drive home, huge smile upon my face.

…more later…

A Story - Part 1

2005-12-08T13:18:00.000-07:00

For the last 2 months, for some reason, I have had intense dreams that include my ex. Not my recent ex, but my ex from about 10 years ago. (Damn that makes me feel old writing that) As I have maybe mentioned before, I think there are reasons that people show up in dreams. It’s not always clear to me why people show up in our dreams, but I believe it is not just a random thing. I loved this guy with all that I had (or as much as a 16 – 20 year old girl could). It seriously took me 5 years to get over him after we broke up in 96. I still believe that he and I should have been together, but our timing was wrong. Too much to explain.

But why had he returned to my dreams for a while there? Was it the familiar pain of having my heart ripped out by someone else recently, that brought him fresh to my mind? Is he thinking about me? Has he also noticed that “our song” (Black from Pearl Jam) keeps coming on the local radio lately after about 8 years of almost no air play? I doubt it. I think maybe I am just needing to write about it. I never have. This is the story of my first true, serious, long term, relationship. The FIRST man I thought I would be with forever, and yet the funnest time of my life.

It all started late January or early February, 1993. It was brisk but not too cold outside. It was my Junior year. My friend Chrissy and I were leaning against the wall in the smoking section at school. She was quite the mischeivious person, more mischeiveous than I knew at the time. She was telling me about this Sophomore guy that she has been dating, and his band, and how good they are, blah blah blah. The other guys in the band went to our school too, and she said I should hang out with them sometime or go to their next practice. I told her I would next time they get together. Then the warning bell rang, so we stomped out our cigarettes and ran to class.

We met again for lunch that afternoon and she proceeded to tell me that she was talking to her boyfriend’s drummer about me and that he said he has noticed me for a while and wanted to meet me. I was skeptical, but said fine, I’ll meet him when we get together. She suggested that I sneek out of Geometry class early the next day (this was a normal ritual) and meet her in the smoking section because he has auto shop (next door to smoking area) and she will have him meet us there. I said fine.

So of course I wore my cutest little pleated black skirt and knee high tights (shut up they were popular at the time – and yes I actually used to wear skirts, although it was rare) and I curled my hair so that it looked hot, but not like I was trying to hard. Geometry ended early (ha ha) and I walked into the smoking section and met Chrissy. The only other people in there were these two guys, one scary looking guy and this guy Todd that I went to Jr High with that I hated and who hated me. So I look at Chrissy and say “so where is he?”

Then I realize that she mentioned that her boyfriend’s drummer’s name is Todd. This look of horror comes over my face. I say “Chrissy, that’s Todd (his last name here)!!!”

She says, “Hey how did you know his name?”

I gave her a look of death as she pulled me over to him and his scary looking friend. They were both in coveralls covered in grease from shop class, deep in conversation. Todd didn’t appear to enjoy the interruption, and this struck me odd as Chrissy had just told me that he has been wanting to meet me for a while. And I thought he hated me, so why would he want to meet someone he doesn’t care for?

He looks at me and it registers who I am as Chrissy is introducing me to him.

He says, “Ya, I already know who she is. Hey (my last name here)” referring to me by my last name with a snotty smirk on his face.

I grabbed her arm, and dragged her behind me as I walked off.

“You can forget about whatever little ‘hook-up’ you had planned. He hates me. He has since 7th grade. So just forget about it.” I said.

“I’ll talk to him. Now let me use your lighter” she said as we walked towards my car to ditch the last period of the day.

...To be continued...

So, a month later...

2005-12-02T17:48:00.000-07:00

Am I any more sane? uh...no.

Am I any more "over him"? umm...not quite yet...

Am I feeling better? nope.

Have I found a better doctor? lol, nada.

Am I glad to be back? YOU BET!!

Okay, so I'm back. It seems to always be an on again - off again thing with me and the blog-ster. Well I keep coming back and he keeps letting me in. All I have to do is flaunt my password and here I am again.

So you might ask what's been going on? Uh...literally nothing. Every day of the last month has somehow faded into each other and suddenly a month has gone by.

Thanksgiving...gone. I watched reruns of That 70's show and ate peanut butter toast. I was going to cook a small Thanksgiving dinner but I didn't feel up to it. I was too late getting back to a friend for her to come over and my dad chose to have dinner with his ex instead of me. But I really like being alone sometimes. I was feeling pretty bad and wouldn't have been much company so it was better off that I was alone anyway. Christmas will be different. It's going to be at our house this year. Me, Martini, Mellow and Mojo. And it's gonna be an Italian Christmas. What is that you say? Could it be that we all get to bring tall dark and handsome Italian to dinner. Unfortunately no. But we will all prepare the next best thing...Italian FOOD. One thing I know will be on the menu is this:

Italian Macaroni and Cheese

Butter, for greasing dish
12 ounces wide egg noodles
3 cups whipping cream
1 1/2 cups whole milk
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt, plus more for pasta water
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
2 cups (packed) grated Fontina
3/4 cup (packed) finely grated Parmesan
3/4 cup (packed) grated mozzarella
4 ounces cooked ham, diced, optional
2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves

Butter a 13 by 9-inch glass baking dish and set aside. Cook the noodles in a large pot of boiling salted water until tender but still firm to bite, stirring frequently, about 5 minutes. Drain well, but do not rinse. Whisk the cream, milk, flour, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and pepper in large bowl to blend. Stir in 1 cup Fontina, 1/2 cup Parmesan, 1/2 cup mozzarella, ham, if using, and parsley. Add the noodles and toss to coat. Transfer the noodle mixture to the prepared baking dish. Toss the remaining 1 cup Fontina, 1/4 cup Parmesan, and 1/4 cup mozzarella in a small bowl to blend. Sprinkle the cheese mixture over the noodle mixture. Bake until the sauce bubbles and the cheese melts and begins to brown on top, about 20 minutes. Let stand for 10 minutes before serving.

And possibly this if we get into cooking for some reason...

Chicken Carbonara

2 teaspoons olive oil
4 ounces thinly sliced pancetta, chopped
2 teaspoons minced garlic
2 1/2 cups whipping cream
1 cup freshly grated Parmesan
8 large egg yolks
1/4 cup chopped fresh basil leaves
1/4 cup chopped fresh Italian parsley leaves
Salt
1 pound spaghetti
4 cups coarsely shredded chicken (from 1 roasted chicken)
Freshly ground black pepper
1/2 cup chopped walnuts, toasted
1 tablespoon finely grated lemon peel

Heat the oil in a heavy large frying pan over medium heat. Add the pancetta and garlic and saute until it is brown and crisp, about 8 minutes. Cool slightly.

In a large bowl, whisk together the cream, cheese, yolks, basil, and parsley to blend.

Meanwhile, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil over high heat. Add the spaghetti and cook until it is just tender but still firm to the bite, stirring occasionally, about 10 minutes. Drain.

Add the chicken to the pan with the pancetta and stir to combine. Next, add the spaghetti and the cream mixture and toss over medium-low heat until the chicken is heated through and the sauce coats the spaghetti thickly, about 4 minutes (do not boil or you might end up scrambling the eggs). Season the pasta, to taste, with pepper and salt if needed (the pancetta will likely add all the salt you need). Transfer the pasta to a large wide serving bowl. Sprinkle the walnuts and lemon zest over, and serve.

Okay now I am hungry. I'm gonna get ready to go. Martini is craving bleu cheese (yes bleu instead of blue, I guess the french are to thank for that) and ranch salad. I'm not sure what I want. But as long as I'm not cooking it, it's all good.

Hope to post again soon...

1:17 AM

2005-11-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

So that's when it was. This morning. That is when I decided to stop loving him. That's when I decided to stop holding on to the microscopic thread of a chance that it will work. That's when I said "I'm not going to love you anymore" and he had nothing to say. It was pathetic that I had to ask him specifically to tell me that it will 100% positively never happen. He has told me different things over the last 6 months. Maybe if we run into each other in the future and have a chance to date again, maybe then it could work. Or "maybe once we are both living in California and can give it another go, maybe then it will work." He never told me NOT to move on. But those comments gave me hope that maybe he was right. Maybe if all those crazy circumstances come together, it WILL work.

But now I know. And this "MAYBE" shit aint happenin'.

He said "I don't want to be with you. I don't want to be with anyone. I prefer to be alone. I don't want to see if things will work between us. I have no interest in changing. I don't want to give up being selfish. I don't ever want to care for anyone else but myself. It's just easier this way. So, yes, you need to move on to someone else."

Silence.

Then, "You should know that I never lied to you. I never cheated on you. You will always believe that I lied the entire time we were together, but I never did. Look, Jyn, I got tired. It got too hard and became obvious that it wasn't going to work. Would you have rather I married you and had kids and then left you 10 years later because I couldn't stand it anymore? Well maybe you would. At least you would have the 'kid' you're so worried about never having. Everything I did was for the best Jynefer."

Silence. What can I say to that? Well I can tell you what I did say. "Fuck you."

We will never agree. He will always continue to think that he is a hero for everything he did to me. He has no problems with the promises that he broke. It's all excusable because he "tried". Oh, well thanks for trying. I should "thank" him I guess for saving us from this "doomed" marriage that he is so certain we would have had.

So this should be enlightening for me, right? "I'm moving on." Well it's fuckin killing me on the inside. I couldn't sleep. I got like 3 hours. Yes I have decided to not be in love with him anymore. But it's not something I can just turn off. God how I wish it was.

I have made improvements, because I have the "desire" to want to move on to find someone else. Unfortunately, it makes me phyiscally ill to think about doing so. Still. Seriously, I am nauseous thinking about it right now.

Maybe if I felt better, if I wasn't so damned depressed. Not depressed from not being with him. The same damned depression that has seemed to haunt me my whole life. No one thinks there is really anything wrong with me. I look generally normal. I can laugh. I can go out. But no one seems to know that I am really no more than the walking dead.

I work for a company that makes a drug that treats people with a disease called Rheumatoid Arthirits. We are hired by this pharmaceutical company to assist patients with that disease. We help those who have no isurance, or cannot afford the cost, we send free materials that aid in their drug therapy and offer medical info from our nurses. Many patients call, or write in expressing their gratitude for our assistance, or to share their "story" of how their life has changed since discovering this medication. At my desk, I have the "Success Stories" book where we have bound the letters from patients that have written in to share what our drug has done for them. So when things get slow inbetween calls, I have decided to read some of them, to remind me of why I love my job in case I forget (which happens sometimes).

Without revealing names of course, and without breaking patient confidentiality, here is the gist of what some people have sent in:

...before [drug name here], a kind of pain that is not easy to describe was always with me. I would constantly realize something else I could no longer do because of my pain or discomfort. I was always exhausted. But sleep was somewhat of a double edged sword. I constantly craved it, and felt things would just be better if I could just sleep. But then sleep itself was painful and frustrating. I was never comfortable and turning over required great effort. No matter how I was positioned, something would hurt. In the morning it would take a half hour to get myself up and out of bed from the stiffness.

...I stopped belonging to community organizations. I couldn't make the meetings. I stopped socializing after work or on weekends, because I was either too tired or in too much pain. My pain remained constant and horrific. Then along came [drug name]. I had forgotten what feeling good is like. I now feel as if someone has cut my chains off. The pain is gone. I find myself singing all the time now. I actually WANT to get out of bed now. I no longer have to plan out what activities I do so I can conserve energy. No I can do whatever I want, WHEN I want.

The above descriptions... that is my life. That is what I feel everyday of my life. I don't even remember what it's like to not hurt everywhere EVERY day. I don't remember what it is like to be able to sit on the floor and jump up and grab the phone when it rings. Currently I dread ever having to get up from anywhere. My knees lock up and have pain the shoots through them like spears. My tailbone hurts no matter if it's a hard chair or a pillow I'm sitting on. Whenever I get up I walk a little hunched over for about 10 steps until the pain evens out or the stiffness goes away. I dread going out to clubs (when I can work up the energy to go) because I know I won't be able to sit anywhere. Standing for a long time in one place is out of the question. Even when I go to church, when everyone stands, I am always the one that has to sit after about 2 mintes. And when I look around, who do I see sitting too? 70, 80, 90 year olds. Sometimes even THEY can stand longer than me. I AM TWENTY-NINE YEARS OLD. It should not be this way. Things have progressively gotten worse over the last 4 years, but I remember the fatigue and not being able to stand in church or anywhere for periods of time as far back as probably 12 years old. My mom used to bitch me out for it, saying I was lazy. I hated that. I didn't want to be lazy. I remember crying, wondering why I couldn't do what everyone expected me to.

Okay so I've made a short story really long, but reading letters with stories like the above "letters" is heart crushing. My first reaction is "My God this is ME writing this letter! I feel like that. I want this miracle to happen to ME. There IS a treatment for this. I want to be like my friends again. I want to run. I want to swim. I want to go through my day without wondering if I have time for a nap."

So what do I do? I pour open my heart to my new doctor. She looks at my chart. She sees my current diagnosis (that most doctors consider a "made up" or "drug seeker" condition, or don't believe in at all) and says she can't positively diagnose me with RA at this time. Your joints aren't swollen or disfigured. Your bloodwork was borderline, but the numbers aren't "high" enough to actually diagnose RA.

The drug I represent has recorded side effects of lymphoma and lowers the immune system resulting in infections in some patients. It is understandably risky to prescribe it to what appears to be a healthy young woman of childbearing age. She flat out says she will NOT Rx it to me. I have been to 3 doctors in the last 5 years. They ran tests. They sent me to a Rheumatologist. The Rheumatologist says "you are describing Rheumatoid Arthritis to a T." They draw blood. They take X-Rays. They send me to Physical Therapy. So what happened? I hear this:

"I'm sorry, but none of the tests have come back conclusive. We can't find a diagnosis. All of your symptoms are pointing to RA. But we are going to have to diagnose you with Fibromyalgia."

So that term, Fibromyalgia, is permanently branded to my medical record, causing skeptical looks from physicians who now look at me as just a clinically depressed woman whose pain is caused from her depression, and a woman who wants the easy way out by asking for pain medication.

Why haven't they thought that just maybe (there's that fucking word "maybe" again) the reason I don't care to live like this anymore, and the reason I just don't seem to care at all about anything anymore, is depression caused by years of being held captive by pain? NOT the other way around? I'm not asking for Vicodin, Oxycontin, Fentanyl, Demerol...etc. I'm asking for a drug that is not even in that family. I'm begging my doctor to prescribe me a drug that could possibly cause dangerous infections and possible lymphoma, so that I can simply just want to live again. I want to risk just about anything just to feel like everyone else at my age.

And I'm being denied. I see the miracle sitting there, just a few inches out of reach. And I'm seeing it being handed to people next to me. I'm hearing about and watching their bodies change. Their faces no longer contorted by pain. But not me.

It's simple right? Go to another doctor. Then another, and another if I have to, until I find one that will try me on it. Well imagine this:

You walk in to your doctor. You throat hurts like fire. Your forehead is burning up. You are hot and cold, sweating and shivering at the same time. You KNOW like you KNOW that you have an infection. Strep throat, tonsilitis, whatever. You just know you are sick. BUT... the doctor walks in, looks at you, hears you describe your symptoms. Then orders bloodwork, does a throat culture and takes your temperature. You wait. He comes back, says well Ms. Jynefer, good news, you are perfectly fine! Your temp is 98.6F, your cultures came back negative, and your bloodwork shows a regular white count. A picture of perfect health. You sit in shock, shivering and sweating, wanting to cut your throat out because it hurts so bad. You open your mouth and show him the "pus pockets" on the back of your throat. You scream "What do you MEAN I'm healthy? Look at me! Are you blind?" He basically says but the TEST results don't lie. "You're FINE Jynefer. Here's your bill, and you can pay on your way out." Then you see him write "patient is seeing things that aren't there. Patient seems to be depressed and possibly just needs attention. Patient thinks and maybe even WANTS to be sick. Symptoms appear to be made up."

AND YOU CAN'T DO A DAMNED THING ABOUT IT.

Now, how quick would you be to go to 3,4,5 more different doctors, only to have them read that comment by the previous doctor, and risk hearing someone tell you all that AGAIN? Unfortunately, the above fictional situation is not really parallel to mine. See, if that were me, I would go home, become severely dehydrated, and the untreated infection would enter the bloodstream, causing sepsis, heart damage, even death. Eventually, I would be able to say I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK, as I'm lying on my death bed. But my condition is not fatal, in and of itself. But it does make me wonder if it might be easier if it was.

This is me. I'm tired of being told I am crazy. I'm tired of being told that all I need to do is walk and stretch everyday, and take this antidepressant and I "should be fine". I'm tired of being sick and tired. I'm scared that I'm going to lose my anger at this situation, because the anger that I have is dwindling more and more as apathy kicks in, and that anger is the only thing that keeps me from disappearing.

I don't know what else to write. So I am stopping now. My writing needs to be for me now. Not friends. Not ex's who may or may not be reading this. ME. Despite my absence, I love blogging and love getting invited to peek into the lives of others that I would normally never have a chance to meet. But this is really all I've got to keep me sane. I stayed away for a while because, well I just didn't have the energy to think of something to write. Or the energy to even walk over to the computer some times. I don't mind others reading this. In fact sometimes a single comment can actually lift you up sometimes when you need it most. So thank you for the comments during my absense, I do really appreciate them.

Can't think of a title

2005-09-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to start.

I would apologize for the content of my posts, but I do that all the time. And this is me. If it brings you down, then click Next Blog.

What I want to know is what the fuck happened to me? How did this happen? How did I become this person I see in the mirror everyday?

Why is it so hard to let him go, yet so incredibly easy to let myself go?

I remember a time when I looked in the mirror, and although I would always think I could lose a couple pounds, or wished my hair was better or boobs bigger, I would secretly be pleased with what I saw. Nothing that would stop traffic, but I could turn a head here or there.

Slowly (but somehow at the same time, so quickly) I let things go. I stopped getting my hair cut every 6 weeks and higlighted or touched up every 8-10. I stopped getting my nails done. I stopped straightening my hair, or blowdrying it every morning. I used to be apalled to set foot anywhere without full makeup. Then I just somehow stopped caring. I stopped working out. Let myself gain weight until my looks are unacceptable. Well unacceptable for me anyway.

This is humiliating to admit these things. To admit that the pics I have posted from months ago, are starting to not resemble me anymore.

I just don't care. I just want to have energy and a desire to make myself better. It is the only way I can carry on with my life with him gone. But I just can't find those things. I think if I had a bigger income, I might be able to schedule some of these appointments, which could help, but that's not the case either.

I feel like I am in a spiral. A downward spiral. So why don't I climb out of it? Well you have to really care about something to help change it. And I don't. I don't have the energy. I want so bad to be the way I used to be. Not racked with fatigue and fucking pain every fucking minute. Not trying to count out pain medicine and determine which days I can go without so I don't get yelled at, at the pharmacy for wanting it refilled too soon.

I lost the person I love most in my life because I "brought him down." It was too much to deal with my condition. My depression. My pain. My fatigue. I wasn't a nice, neat little perfect package that could give and give and give without a word.

So, ya, I guess I just ruined the image of myself to any possible reader of this blog. Well guess what? This is the dark side of me. These are the spiderwebs that most people never get to see. This is the shit that I hope to never have to reveal to anyone close to me ever again. I hate who I am. I want out. I don't want this life anymore.

Put down the phone. No need to call suicide hotline. I'm not that stupid. But I can't help but admit that I want this life to end. But I want a new one to begin. I want this person that I have become to die. Forever. It's time to put her to bed. It's the only way I can see out of this. I can't stand who I am anymore.

I don't know how to start a new life as a new person. How do I just forget everything that has happened in my life? The mistakes I have made? Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind? I wish. I used to think that I would never want that. I said before that there were so many good things that I never want to forget. Well, all those good times were bullshit lies, so why NOT wipe everything clean, right?

I used to be the kind of person that has no regrets. Not anymore. I do regret a lot. I regret ever letting myself open up to anyone. It has never done anything but cause me grief. Ya, I may sound bitter, well whatever. I regret ever believing anyone with my whole heart. I regret trusting people I should have never trusted. I regret saying yes I will marry you. I regret saying I want to take care of you and love you for the rest of my life. I regret saying I want to have your children. I regret opening my heart, my life, my bed, my body.

This doesn't mean that I will never do these things again. For some fucked up reason I actually WANT to open up again, love again, trust again. I want to get married, I want to raise kids. I don't understand it, but I do. But I wish I had never done it in the past. Because all that shit back then, has turned me into who I am today. And that girl, I hate.

FUCK

2005-09-27T10:11:00.000-07:00

After not talking to my ex for two weeks (the first time we have gone that long without talking since we broke up) he called me. It was weird. I was having a really bad day, and like I said it was the first time since I have gone that long without speaking to him, even after we broke up (not counting the times he was in Iraq and Afghanistan of course), and it has been hard. Really hard. I had my hand on the phone, about to scroll down to his number and press send, but I made myself put down the phone. 3 hours later my phone rings. It was him. He said he just got this feeling that he should call me.

Damnit! Why do we still have a connection? Why? This is one of the fucking reasons it's so hard to get over him. He would always know when I needed him, even though we were 10 states away.

I just can't get over him. I love him. I am still IN love with him. Shit, I'm fucking starting to cry even writing this. Yes, I have hurt before after the end of a relationship and it's taken a long time to heal. This is not like that. I can't stop loving him as if he's my husband. I know we were only engaged but I just can't seem to stop these feelings.

Since he has been on vacation and at a location that doesn't get good reception, he told me he wouldn't be calling me for about 3 weeks or so, for that reason and also because maybe it would be better if he didn't call me for a while. To help us "separate" a bit I guess. I know this is true, but it still is hard. If we hadn't been best friends before we started dating, I don't think this would be so hard. But I lost both who I love AND my best friend at the same time.

Whatever. I have whined about all this before. I just am getting so scared that I may not heal from this. I don't want to heal. I wish I did, so I could move on. I'm not getting any younger. I'll be fucking 30 next year. 30. And single. And alone. This is a fate worse than death for a female. I don't want to be 40 when I finally want to date again, and then I'll end up some lonely lady with a bunch of dogs for kids. No one will want to marry me because they will always ask themselves "Why hasn't she ever married? Wonder what's wrong with her" That is my worst nightmare. And I'm not being funny.

FUCK. I can't make him love me like he used to. And I don't want someone to be with me because I begged them to give it another try. I want someone to want to be with me because they can't imagine life without me in it. That's what I used to have, or so I thought. How can I ever think that it will work with someone else? God it makes me sick to even write those words.

I need to get on with my life, I just don't know how. FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!! Fuck him. Fuck the last 3 years. Fuck ever feeling anything and believing that if we made it though 2 deployments and a fucking war, that we could make it though anything. It was all bullshit I guess. All of it.

It's funny. I wish I really felt those things I just wrote . I don't feel that. I don't want to just fuck it all. I do believe that we could have made it though anything. But he says that HE is more important right now than spending time and putting forth the effort for us. And I can't make him want something he obviously doesn't.

I wish I really knew if all the things he said to me over the years were true or just a lie. If they were really true, then I shouldn't give up. I should try to make it work. But I have a strong feeling it wasn't true. He knows I still love him. He knows I want us to work again. So he would have to make a move. I'm not going to make a fool out of myself anymore.

I just read what I wrote. It's pathetic. It really is. What it also is, is over. I need to stop acting like one of those whiney bitches on Days of Our Lives who just won't let it go. I will always love TM. But I know when to stop wishing and praying for something that is never going to happen, and that is now. Oh God this fucking hurts.

FUCK.

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

2005-09-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

That saying rang through my brain, as did a superstition, this afternoon.

I was walking along the open first level of our parking garage at work this afternoon. I had just hung up with Martini (who was off today, luckeeee), when something swooped down past my face and landed on the cement ledge to my left. Then again something flew closely over my head and landed on the cement wall to my right.

Both ravens. Black birds. Crows.

With their blackish-blue tinted feathers and shiny black beaks pointed at me. Beady eyes looking into mine. They said nothing. Just sat there as I walked past.

I thought of silly superstitions that I never believe in, and then laughed at how silly I was being, and kept walking.

Until, as I was exiting the garage, two more flew down from the roof or somewhere, and landed near my feet, well about 2 feet away. One to my left. Another, a bit farther ahead to my right.

A little strange, considering that I am not in a park, or near food, or water.

One bird, I would have thought nothing of, maybe two. But four? All within 10-15 seconds? All just sitting there looking at me (or at least facing me)? No garbage of food in site to be scavaging? No sensible reason that I could think of for them to be there.

I sped up my step, put out my cigarette and pressed the elevator button with a speed that I didn't know I had.

Crows or Ravens, are supposed to be considered messengers of death. "Believed to have the ability to smell the scent of death on a person, even before they die."

What were they telling me? Am I going to die? Well we are all going to die, but sooner than I had planned? Is a loved one in danger? Has someone I know passed?

I would have asked them, but I didn't want to know their answer.

Thank you...I love you.

2005-09-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

I am going to have to learn how to say this. I don't want to continually bitch about everything in my life lately. I don't want to become that person that everyone hates to be around. But I just feel like I am surrounded by IDIOTS more and more each day.

"Thank you, I love you".

I have stolen this saying from the TV show Starved. It is a really funny show. Demented, yet really funny. It's about a group of friends with eating disorders. Every eating disorder is represented, and sadly, I can relate a tiny bit to each one.

One of the characters, Sam, starts dating a Yoga instructor who tries to get him to find other ways to express his agitation with people. Instead of yelling at someone, just say "Thank you, I love you" as you place your hands together in "prayer" position and slightly bow. They think you are being kind (or a freaky new ager) but only you know that is means "Fuck off, I hate you".

This is what I want to say to the lady next to me that keeps humming the same 8 notes OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER. And to the girl that sits next to me that only stops talking long enough to post something on her online forum thing, and then she has to tell me detail after detail of what she wrote, what it means, who she responded to, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah fuckin' BLAH. Oh and don't forget the breathing. Oh ya, it's still loud and clear in the background.

FFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

Oh, I'm sorry... I meant to say, "Thank you, I fuckin' love you"!!!!!!!!!!

Changes

2005-09-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

So, ya, I changed my template without saving all my html. So I lost all the links I had and comments I had in HaloScan.

FUCK-IN DUMB!

So welcome to my new place! I'm not really thrilled about it, but I'm gonna try it out for a while. My other one was boring me. I will try to get everyone's link back up as soon as I can figure out the html for this one, and find the best place to put them, etc.

I seriously can't think of a damned thing to post about today. Blah. I have no mental energy to even think of anything. Nothing is really wrong, I'm just in neutral I guess. I have been sitting here waiting for a call to come in for 15 minutes now. It's so dead here. So that's why I am getting paid to blog. I can't complain I guess. Well, no, yes I can. No work is coming in. So it is relatively quiet. Which means, yes, I can hear Heavy Breather, Moviefone.com Guy, and Chronic Cougher LOUD AND CLEAR.

You see, they recently moved everyone in the department around (except for management's favorites of course). They told us that it was so "we can get to know our fellow team members". This is retarded. We get in trouble when we try to talk to our "neighbors" between calls. So that is obviously bullshit. I then find out it is because our other departments are moving to make room for our transplanted New Orleans employees. Why didn't they tell us this? This would have helped morale tremendously. Instead, they tell us what we all know is bullshit. And when an employee knows they are being lied to, they can't trust the person feeding them the lie. Right? This is bad management. So you are wondering why I am bitching when the move was for a good cause? Well I'm going to go out on a limb here, and maybe offend people.

Since our company had a location in Lousianna that was destroyed, we now have some of their employees here. I think this is awesome. I am impressed with our company's ability to plan ahead for disasters, and the way we searched for missing employees (all were found) and took care of them until they could be relocated. I think all of this is wonderful and worth the simple pain of moving my desk.

BUT

When I get a dirty look in return to my smile while passing them in the break room (3 different times) then I have to wonder why we are going out of our way for someone who is "looking the gift horse in the mouth" so to speak. If someone went out of their way to relocate you so you still have a good paying job, why would you look down on, or rudely to them. Granted, I myself did nothing to help these people, but I don't think they should be upset with me.

And moving my desk is not a bad thing. It's easy, and I got a faster computer. But at a price. I sit in between two people that find it necessary to talk to me at all times. Non stop. I like to talk to my coworkers to a point. Not all day long. And one of them finds it necessary to pry into my life and ask how it's going with the ex. Why haven't I started dating again yet? Why don't you let me set you up with so-n-so? And the other talks non stop about her online gaming and chat room conversations. I have sat by both these girls in the past, and they both know that I am not a talkative person in the mornings. I think they have forgotten.

Then, as you have read about before, there is Heavy Breather. He sits behind me about about 8 ft away. His breathing is out of control. Like the noise you hear when you let the air out of your tires. Breathe innnnnnnnn....breathe ouuuuuuttttttt. Over and over and over and over. Mixed with intermittent nose blowing. And nose blowing grosses me out. Because of the nose blowing, I thought this breathing condition was due to a cold, sinus infection, etc. Something that will go away. However, it has been 2 weeks now, and no change. I want to go over there and pinch his nose shut so he has to breathe though his mouth.

And of course I can't forget about Moviefone Guy. Before we made this recent move, I sat by him. And on the other side was Marge Simpson's Sister. I asked to be moved. I couldn't work, or concentrate. My sup understood. She moved me far away by her. Where it's quiet. One month later, we make this move, and where does she place me? Right next to Moviefone. Unh-uh. Not gonna happen. I asked her if she even remembers the reason I was moved by her. She said she forgot and placed me where I am now. Marge Simpson's sister: She's about 65+ yrs old and smokes what has to be no less than 3 packs a day (judging from her voice anyway) and has a LOUD New Jersey accent.

"HIIIII-YA!!! HOW-WAH YEW?!?!"

Grrrrrr. And I honestly cannot explain Moviefone guy. But he really does talk just like the guy that announces when the movies are over the phone. EXTREMLY LOUD. He also is known as Weasel Man. He lookes like a weasel. Really. And he has green-ish, fuzzy, decaying teeth. That's right. I said fuzzy. I hate to admit that I am creeped out. I feel bad, but I can't help it.

I would like to try to justify my behavior. I am generally NOT a mean person to anyone. Maybe that's why I seem to take it out in other ways, like blogging about it. I would NEVER make fun of someone to their face. Not even behind their back (unless this would be considered behind their back). And it's not really that I am making fun of them. I am venting about what makes me have to smoke on my breaks again, so I can relax and get away from them.

I just got back from my break. I feel a little better with the nicotine running in my bloodstream. I hate that I can't sit at my desk during my breaks anymore, but oh well. I want so badly to stand on my desk and tell everyone around me to fuckin' SHUT IT!!!

***I just read over what I have written, and can see that I sound pretty whiney, so for that I apologize. But I'm posting it anyway, because I can. I hope everyone's day is a little more peaceful than mine. ***

I want...

2005-09-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

So... I'm at a loss as to what to post about today. So I thought I would try posting about the things that I want. Some I want now, some I want in the future or "someday". Here goes...

I want...

...to marry Joey from Friends. When he fell in love with Rachel, I fell in love with him. Hey, how YOU doin'? LOL

...to go to Canada. I've only been there once, and I was too young to remember.

...to speak French fluently.

...to visit another continent. Like Europe, or Australia.

...to swim with dolphins.

...bigger boobs.

...two more tattoos, maybe three...damn they're addicting.

...to vacation in Tahiti.

...to someday have a home with lot's of land so I can foster homeless dogs, or dogs that need rehabilitation (after surgery or abuse) until I can find them a home.

...to have Greg Sanders' job (when he worked in the crime lab) on CSI. (He's so hot)

...to decorate my house and office for Halloween, my favorite holiday.

...work more hours.

...find a second job at a Doggy Day Care.

...have more engery and less pain.

...see Sting (damn he's beautiful) and Tori perform live before I die.

..."meet" (hee hee) Tommy Lee (drummers....yummy).

...get married and have 3 kids (two boys and a girl in that order). Okay, well at least one.

...fall in love again. I think. Maybe not...

...go snow skiing again before I forget how.

...learn to snowboard.

...have enough money to help anyone that comes into my life that needs it.

...tell the "Heavy Breather" guy that sits behind me to shut the fuck up! It is NOT necessary to breathe that loud ALL DAY LONG.

It's alright...

2005-09-13T06:05:00.000-07:00

So let go,

So let go.

Jump In.

Oh well what you waiting for?

It's alright.

'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown.

I remember...

2005-09-11T08:43:00.000-07:00

I lived in Texas at the time. I remember driving my piece of shit car to work as usual, trying to calculate how late I was going to be if I got stuck behind the train again, as I normally did (only when I was running late of course). I think I was listening to Howard Stern, or maybe Bob and Tom morning show. I can't remember. I know it was normally a funny show, so it was odd to hear a serious tone in the DJ's voices. So I turned up the volume as I lit my cigarette. They reported that a plane had flown into one of the Twin Towers. They were remarking on how this was so strange, and wondered how it happened. Then minutes later, they noted that it was suspected terrorism. "Terrorism?" I thought. But why? I walked into the hospital (where I worked Human Resourses at the time) and things were already different. Groups of people were gathered together discussing what had happened in New York. I turned left down the hall towards my office, having to pass the lab. A large TV was kept in the lab, always on so that if tornado weather was reported, the employees could shut down certain equipment. When I passed the lab, all I heard was a news reporter. No employees talking, no patients waiting. So I walked in.

I gathered around the lab techs and saw what I had heard about on the radio. It made it so real. Fire, smoke billowing out of this once grand structure.

Then it happened.

We saw it.

We saw the second tower get hit. We thought it was just an instant replay of the first tower getting hit, but then we realized, no one was filming when the first tower was hit. Why would they? It immediately went silent. The news reporter was silent for second then gushing out the details of what we just saw. I wondered what the hell was going to happen next.

I just walked out of the lab and opened the HR office, sat at my desk, turned on the radio and just sat there. My boss (who happened to also be my very good friend) walked in. She came in the back way, and always listened to CDs on the way to work. She had no idea what was going on. I told her to sit down and listen. We heard about the Pentagon, and Pennsylvania. She started crying. I was just shocked. I had no emotions about it. I just kept asking myself how this was happening.

Needless to say, no work was done that day. We all just tried to help each other understand what was going on. Some had family there. Luckily my family in New York resides upstate. No where near the attacks. I called them anyway to tell them I love them. The rest of the day was a blur.

I remember coming home, and turning on the TV. I had no choice of things to watch. It was too soon for any editing of the footage to have taken place yet, so I saw some things I shouldn't have. I watched as a camera man in a helicopter zoomed in on a man standing at a window with thick black smoke pouring out. He was going to die. There was no way for him to be rescued. I watched as he swung a leg outside the window, then another. He briefly looked back, to reassure himself there was no other choice, and he jumped. The camera man follwed him down. Then focused on a woman, making the same choice. I sat there in shock. I couldn't be seeing this. This couldn't be true.

Then the tears came. Pouring down my cheeks. And I sobbed. Not for me, and my own fears. But for those individuals that actually had to choose how to die that day. For their families. I prayed that this footage would be destroyed, and that these individuals' loved ones had not tuned in to this station.

Sobs escaped my chest. How could this happen? How could we have been fooled into thinking we were the most powerful and intimidating country on earth? That we were invinsible? How could I have lived my life thinking nothing could happen to us?

My dog Sevin, came rushing to my side, seeing my tears and hearing me cry. She just whimpered and licked the tears from my face. I hugged her tight and said "Sevin, something terrible has happened today, girl. I know you can't understand, but it's more terrible than you could ever imagine. What are we going to do?".

She looked at me. Licked away another tear, layed down in my lap, and just sighed. She didn't know...

... and neither did I.

Revelations

2005-09-08T06:49:00.000-07:00

So I was early to work today. This is astonishing for anyone that knows me. Not that I am late all the time (to work...other things, ya I'm notorious for being late) but I am never early. Never.

Anyways, being early allowed me to experience some cool things.

First, I found out that the ramp metering for the freeways doesn't start until 5:30 am. I usually enter the freeway at 5:40 and have to stop on the on-ramp and wait for the green light. Today, I was early so I got to just zip on through.

Second, I was driving along, and turned to look out my left window, and saw it. The most beautiful 18 wheeler truck I have ever seen. It was calling out to me...DR PEPPER. I wished I had a camera. I sped up to try to see if the driver was hot (of course he would be, only hot guys should drive the Dr Pepper trucks), but it was still dark out so I couldn't see. Oh well...

Then, out of no where, it started raining. I didn't hear that we were expecting rain. And it was just for about 30 seconds. It was dark so I didn't see any clouds, but it was still beautiful and the smell was invigorating.

It also helped that I had time to grab my Disturbed and Garden State CD's so I had good music to drive to. I was kind of split on what mood to be in though. I first listened to Garden State (Don't Panic by Coldplay) and that hit the spot. Then I put in Disturbed (Awaken...great song) and that was perfect. Just what I needed to get my blood flowing. Music really is awesome in what it can do for you.

Lastly, my boss saw me at my desk earlier than I normally am, and said "If you sign in now, instead of your normal time, and take the calls that are on hold, I will give you a 'dress down' sticker and a 15 minute certificate". I of course said yes, and told her that wasn't necessary, but she gave them to me anyway. Yeah! (A dress down sticker allows me to wear jeans and a t-shirt on days when we are normally not allowed to. A 15 minute certificate is pretty much just an extra paid break, whenever we want to use it.)

So, it paid off to get to work early. And, I didn't have to worry about traffic, speeding, etc. It's great. If you are a last minute person like me, you should try it.

Thanks Rainy Pete...

2005-09-06T07:31:00.000-07:00

For this stolen quiz thingy since I'm sure everyone is dying to find out more about me. HA!

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? My eyes I guess.
2. How much cash do you have on you right now? $5.45
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? Best
4. Favorite plant? Tulips came to mind first (my favorite flower) but I guess that isn't a plant. Hmmm...I guess it would have to be the Aloe Vera plant or the Blue Agave. They are both beautiful, and useful.
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? My Ex
6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? The Cingular tone.
7. What shirt are you wearing? A long sleeve black T-Shirt from Old navy
8. Do you "label" yourself? This is an interesting question. I don't think I do. I used to label myself while I was growing up. But I am just me.
9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing? Doc Martens (sandals)
10. Do you prefer a bright or dark room? I prefer darker colors, but lots of sunshine
11. What did you have for breakfast? Dr Pepper and a cigarette. I might make a peanut butter sandwich later. Mmmm Mmmm!!!
12. Since question 12 is weirdly missing, make some shit up. What was the last dream you can remember having? I was living in LA selling drugs for a living. (I watched Weeds before going to bed obviously)
13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Watching Miami Ink on TLC.
14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? "You left your goodies over here. I'll watch them for ya. Peace."
15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners? NEVER....fuckin' spam....Grrrrr
16. What's an expression that you say a lot? "Gimme a fuckin' break"
17. Who told you they loved you last? Without me saying it first? That would be my mom I guess.
18. Last furry thing you touched? Mellow's dog Halen. She is so cute!!!
19. How many hours a week do you work? Currently I work 30 hrs/week. I asked for 40 but they said we were too slow (obviously, since I am doing this at work) so I am looking for a second job.
20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? None.
21. Favorite age you have been so far? When I was 21 I thought that was my favorite, and I dreaded ever having to turn 25, but now that I am 29, I really miss being 25. That was the funnest time in my life.
22. Your worst enemy? The "calorie". LOL I don't really have enemies.
23. What is your current desk top picture? Fraggle Rock picture.
24. What was the last thing you said to someone? "Don't take them all at once... "
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to go back in time and fix all your mistakes, which would you choose? One million bucks of course. The money would help me forget all the mistakes I made. Besides, I wouldn't change a thing I did in life. Well, that's not true, if I could, I would have never accepted those credit cards when I was 18.

I hope you all are enduring your "fake Monday's". Take Care.

So, it's Sunday..

2005-09-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

But it's not sad, because I am off tomorrow. Labor Day rocks!

Martini left at the butt crack of dawn this morning, to see her brother get married in Vegas. I know she is going to have a great time. She took a camera with her, so maybe there will be some good pictures.

Mzmojo and Mellow hung out here with us last night. Mojo made Chicken Enchilads from scratch (yummy!) and the only contribution I made to dinner was French Onion Dip (Soup mix added to a carton of sour cream...can't fuck that up) and Ruffles. Wine, Sparks, Miller Light and Dr Pepper (of course) were poured and we had a great time hanging out and watching Big Brother. It was really good to see them since Mojo only gets to come down here every so often and Mellow has such a busy life. It's really cool that they get to have fun once in a while.

So it's gonna be really lonely in the house by myself this weekend, but I'll just clean and get caught up on all the movies I haven't seen yet.

I feel really bad, because my friend that we went out with last weekend for her bachelorette party, got married last night, and I didn't show up. All day long I just had this pit in my stomach that made me not want to go, and I just couldn't figure it out. Then, while we were picking up the wine at CostPlus, I overheard a couple telling a cashier next to us that they "just got married" and then the damned cashier (cute perfect blonde of course) had to say "wow, I just got married this summer too!". I wanted to puke. I just blurted out "Oh give me a Goddamned break" maybe a little too loud to be appropriate, and Martini and Mojo looked at me like I was crazy. I realized I may be just a tad bit bitter. Damn it. I didn't want to be bitter. Or jealous. But as I was getting ready for this wedding, I started to feel like I was having a panic attack. And I walked out into the living room to grab my keys and tears came to my eyes. I just said, "I can't do this. I can't go watch someone pledge their undying love to each other." So I called my other friend that I was supposed to meet there and told her that I wasn't going. I hope my friend isn't going to be upset that I ditched her wedding, but I just couldn't.

It turns out that the girl I was supposed to meet there isn't going either. Her sister lives in New Orleans and she hasn't been able to make contact with her since the hurricane. So she has had a terrible week, and was too emotionally spent to go either. That made me realize that things could be worse for me. So I tried to stop feeling sorry for myself, and decided that I should shut up and start praying for the victims; that they can hold on until help arrives. I truly hope that my friend's sister can get hold of her soon to let her know she is okay. I grew up as an only child, so I don't know what a sister bond is like. But I know it must be killing her, not knowing.

I may head over to Mellow's house later to just hang with her and Mojo, watch movies and eat "bad-for-me" pizza, so I can get these things out of my mind. I hope you are all able to enjoy your weekend.

P.S. Check the post below later. I will try to add more pics.

Good Morning

2005-09-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

Good Morning Everyone.

I am sitting here typing and watching Days of Our Lives (Tivo'd from yesterday) while Mzmojo and Martini are cooking us breakfast. Bacon and everything. Yummmmm, bacon. Nothing in the world smells better than bacon cooking in the morning.

So I didn't go out, or do anything last night because whatever I ate made me sicker than a dog. Shit, I can't even eat my own cooking.

So the Coldplay pics are here:

Below is the first pre-show Madori frozen margarita. I tried to write Hey Fuckers on the frosty glass but you can't see it that well.

The tickets. We stared at the date on these tickets for so long waiting for it to arrive, we had to take a picture because the day was finally here.

As we were pulling into the parking, we saw DMB advertised, so we took a pic. Yay Dave!

One lonely $8 beer in the grass.

Drinking in the parking lot. Mmmmm Sparks!

Fucking Heartburn from margaritas and no food. Rolaids, Marlboros and Fiji. The perfect concoction!

Blurry Twighlight Pic of the lawn filling up.

They're almost on.....

Opening Song

Double the pleasure, double the fun! Yummy Chris!

Yellow

Strange and Beautiful

2005-09-01T21:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes...
The last thing you want, comes in first.

Sometimes...
The first thing you want never comes.

And I know, that waiting is all you can do....

Sometimes.

Strange and Beautiful is one of my favorite songs from the Wickerpark soundtrack. It has made me want to check out the rest of Aqualung's songs. (If you click on that link, and are interested in hearing that song, scroll to bottom to hear the recorded version on the self titled album. The live version does NOT do it justice) The rest of the lyrics are a little obsessive, but that's why it fits perfectly into the movie. It's a hauntingly beautiful song, and that portion of the song is so true.

I also really liked Retour A Vega by The Stills. I love singing in French. :)

Just felt like posting that.

Oh, and gas went up again tonight. 10 more cents. Fuckers.

Uh, what time is it tomorrow?

2005-09-01T11:50:00.000-07:00

I am at work, and was just told I had to contact some agencies in Guam. So I start calling, and after three different attempts with no answer, I wonder, hmmmm, I haven't even thought of the time difference. I wonder what time it is? So I look online to try to find the local time and, um, ya...it was 4:15 am...tomorrow over there. So, it doesn't look like I'm reaching anyone anytime soon.

However I did discover a nifty site that I will now use regularly.

What can ya do, ya know?

2005-09-01T06:46:00.000-07:00

Overnight, we were raped.

While we slept, the pimple faced, skinny, tweeked out gas station attendants snuck out with their clear plastic numbers and decided to change the 6 to an 8 raising gas from $2.67 a gallon, to $2.87 a gallon. 20 fucking cents! Granted, .20 is not a lot when you think about it, but it already went up around here by 20 cents over the last 4 weeks. And when I bought my truck, June 2003, I filled my tank on $21.00 Yesterday I put that amount in my truck and got half a tank! This really sucks, but what can ya do, ya know? I HAVE to drive. To work at least. I work 12 miles from my home, which isn't too bad, but I can't very well ride my bike (wait, I don't even OWN a bike), unless I leave 3 hours before my start time.

So I am trying to see the good in this. Maybe less people will drive to places they could walk to, especially once the weather gets reasonable. This may lead to a tiny bit less congestion on the freeways and maybe less pollution from exhaust. I have a feeling though, that the price increase is going to continue over the weekend. So who knows how much we will be paying next?

2005-08-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

2005-08-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

Crazy Crazy Crazy Crazy Nights!

2005-08-29T06:26:00.000-07:00

I think that is a KISS song. Which is odd for me to have in my head since I don't particularly like KISS. At all. I admire their talent, I just don't enjoy their music. Anyway, I'm getting off the point. That song just comes to mind when I think of Saturday night. It was so much fun. A friend of mine is getting married next weekend, so we all went out to let her get crazy for her bachelorette party. There were originally supposed to be like 12 of us I think, but when we got there to pick her up, most all of her other friends had bailed on her. So there were just 5 of us, which turned out to be fun. We of course, as all bachelorette parties do, started out at a Male Review. I have only been to one of these before in my life, and I wasn't that impressed to tell you the truth. They all looked about as cheesy as they could be, all greased up, big muscles, tiny thongs, etc. Sorry, but I'm not really into thongs on men. Boxer briefs are much sexier in my opinion. Anyway, this time, yes the guys were oiled up (but no too much), had muscles (but they weren't too much) and were wearing thongs, but these guys were actually hot. Not in the cover-of-a-Harlequin-romance-novel-Fabio-looking kind of way. But in a I-might-actully-see-you-in-the-real-world kind of hot. Don't get me wrong. They could all be on the cover of a smutty novel, but, well, you know what I'm talking about. Yummy.

Unfortunately, one of the girls that came with us, did not have a good time, at ALL. She is a unique person. Well at least to me she is. She is close to our age (25 I think), never had sex (by choice) and has no interest in getting any, any time soon. It's very odd to me. A pretty girl, great personality, but almost like a child when sexual topics are brought up. We did however convince her to come with us to see the Male Review. We figured none of them would come up to her unless she was holding out dollar bills. Uh, we were wrong. Within 15 minutes a dancer comes up and starts talking all dirty to her. She looked like a cornered cat, ready to dart out at any moment. I have NO idea why he came right up her, she had her purse hugged tightly to her chest with her arms crossed over it. She looked so uncomfortable. Maybe he thought it would be funny to traumatize her. I felt bad. She eventually loosened up a tiny bit, but refused (understandably) to go with us to a strip club. I actually thought her jaw was going to hit the ground when we told her that was where we were going next.

So we ended up driving all around Phoenix while calling all the guys we knew here to find out where the best ones are. Finally we found one, but it really wasn't that great. We were leaving to find another one, but then decided to hook up with some friends across town at a cute little bar that I had never been to, then to a club. I don't dance. Especially when I am sober (I was the Designated Driver for the evening). But I still had SO much fun. We left around 3 something, I got my friend home around 4 and myself home around 5. Some would think, how boring, you didn't get to drink or dance and you had to drive everyone around! Not me. I love doing that. I like drinking sometimes, but it usually just makes me tired, and I didn't want to be tired so I sticked to Dr Peppers and Red Bulls all night. I guess I'm just high on life (gag)...lol

What a fun night! I need to do it more often!

MUCH better pictures than this (Coldplay) are coming soon....

2005-08-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

But let's see how long I have the courage to leave this one up....hmm?

2005-08-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

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COLDPLAY BABY!!!

2005-08-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

So the day has finally arrived. I get to see beautiful Chris Martin on stage. I can't wait!!! I love getting to see a band I have never seen live before. It's either going to make me love them even more, or find out they sound like shit live. But I KNOW this is going to make me love them even more. I haven't been to a show in, God, like 7 years. Yes that is embarrassing. I saw the Beastie Boys for the second time. It was at an inside venue, so it wasn't as fun as it could have been. Beastie Boys need to be experienced outside. I remember the first time I saw them, back in 1991. They came with House of Pain. I had a huge bruise across my pelvis from being pushed against the pole in the front row. It was an awesome show. My slutty friend that came with us, got plucked out of the crowd and taken backstage, to "hang" with the band. Tits. They can get you anywhere.

Then it's DMB on the 30th. Apparently I have already seen them. I have no memory of it whatsoever. I was talking to one of my old roommates the other day, and telling her that I was going to see DMB and I was excited because I have never seen them. She just looked at me like I was high, and said, "you idiot, you saw them with me and David at the Horde Festival in 96 remember? You drove down from NAU? Lenny Kravitz was also there?" Okay, Lenny I remember. DMB, not one bit. Sorry Dave. I was on a lot of drugs back then. I was in college. And I was in love with Lenny Kravitz. So, even though it is technically not going to be my "first time", it will seem like it. And I KNOW it will be fun. And I'm excited to see Slightly Stoopid too. I think Mellow is coming with me and Martini. I hope so. I know she loves DMB and SS. And she deserves to get out and have some fun! It's going to be a blast. AND I have tomorrow and the day after Dave off from work, so I don't have to worry about going to work on no sleep.

As for today, it is going to drag on, or seem like it at least. Let's see, only 7 hours till we head out. We are going to go Macayos across the street from the pavilion to drink before the show so we can beat traffic and drink at a reasonable price instead of paying $50 a beer. I can't wait!!! We have made sure we have the audioblog number so keep your fingers crossed that an audioblog will appear tonight. And the camera is coming too.

These are a few of my favorite things...

2005-08-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

All you need for a Saturday at home.

Breakfast of Champions

So, as you can see, after having my camera for one year (or more) I have finally figuredO out enough about it to know how to get the pics onto the damned computer. This pic is from Saturday night. However I have more pics on the camera from July through October of last year. Ya it kinda sucked cuz there are some of me and TM, but there are some others that are pretty funny and remind me of the good times of last summer. So I thought I would post a pic of 3 friends that don't mind if I show their faces, lol. Hopefully, now there will be more pics on the blog to make things more interesting.

Well, it's time to see if I can make it through Two-sday. As in TWO days till COLDPLAY!!!!! Yippeeeee!!!!

Oh, and by the way, Weeds is the best show on television right now.

It didn't work...

2005-08-20T00:45:00.000-07:00

I just got home, and I was hoping that the audio blog I made tonight had worked, but it is no where to be found. We went for dinner and drinks for a friend of mine's 30th birthday. Then we headed to the Tempe Improv to see Alonzo Bodden. He was the winner of Last Comic Standing 3 I think. I have to say that I never watched that show, so I had never heard any of his jokes, and I had no idea if he was funny or not. Well, the guy was fuckin' hilarious. I loved him. Just the perfect amount and blend of cursing, race related and politic related joking for my taste. And I have to say, he was pretty good looking to top it off.

The Tempe Improv is supposed to be some sort of legend. Lots of famous comedians have performed there. Ya, that's great and all, but I wasn't impressed. I was very impressed by Alonzo Bodden. And the local comedian that opened for him was quite funny too. The seating is great. There isn't a bad seat in the house. But the seats themselves. Shitty. They are the massed produced, kind of chairs that you rent out for conferences, or cheap receptions. Metal with a padded panel for your back and ass. However, the padding had been diminshed from 25 years of sitting. It was like sitting on cement. I had to keep readjusting from one ass cheek to the other because my ass kept falling asleep. The back of my chair was about to fall out, and it squeeked really loud whenever I moved.

To make a long story short, I am glad I went, and Alonzo was very entertaining. But the venue didn't make the greatest impression.

Just for me

2005-08-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

I have been dealing with a lot of shit lately that I just need to get out in the open. Not for anyones opinion, not for anyone's sympathy, just to prove to myself that I am still alive. I view this as improvement somewhat, and maybe a little bit of closure. Just a little.

Last weekend I watched a sappy chick-flick. Under the Tuscan Sun. I watched it at the exact time in my life that I needed to. The story line didn't EXACTLY fit my life, but it was kind of the kick in the butt I need right now to make me realize that I need to try to move on. I can't keep hoping that he is going to love me again, when I really don't think that he ever will. But why is learning to breathe again one of the hardest things to do?

There was a quote in the movie that really made sense to me. She buys this Villa in Tuscany on a whim while trying to get over her ex, and doesn't know why on earth she has purchased a home with no one to cook for, and no family to fill the rooms. She is scared because she realizes that there may NEVER be anyone to fill the house or kids to take care of. She says to a friend:

Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid.

Granted, I did not legally go through a divorce, but I might as well have. In my heart I did. And I have felt those exact same things. And I have felt sorry for myself, thinking I will never get to do anything with my life or go anywhere, because I will never marry now, so in turn, I may never have my own family to do these things with.

But why do I need a husband/boyfriend/kids to do these things? Why NOT buy the villa? I am not turning into a bitter feminist. I am just realizing that I can't let myself dwindle away. I'm not going to die because I don't have a man to love me, or because I don't meet society's image of perfection by having a husband, home, car and kids by my 30's. I will be 30 next March and the only way I was okay with that, was because I was engaged and I was going to be married when I was 30. I'm trying to be okay with the fact that now, I will not be. I will have nothing. (Okay, here is where you say, of course you have friends and you have family) Well yes I do have friends and family, but for some reason, I just don't feel complete unless I have more. A career. A child. My own home. A husband. My mom NEVER brought me up that way or mentioned things like that. Nor did my dad. So I don't know where I got these ideas. But they are true to me, just the same. I don't want to change myself, but I know I need to. If I don't, my beliefs will drag me down.

I recently had a long, extremely hard talk with TM. Everything was laid out on the table and I was brought to a harsh reality that what we had is truly 100% dead. For some reason I thought that if I kept him in my life by taking his calls and talking to him everyday "as friends" like he wants, that it will prevent him from ever moving on, and it will cause him to realize what a huge mistake it was to leave. I just knew that all we needed was to be together again. No more deployments. No more long distance, and everything would be fine. I was willing to wait. Years if I had to. Because he was leading me to believe that if we could just be friends, and live closer together, that it would lead to dating and starting over again, and end in a happily ever after. And I do believe that if we DID have those perfect conditions, it may happen. But we are never going to have those conditions. Not for many many years. And during those years, he is going to meet someone else and not think twice about me, sitting right here waiting, and loving him as much as I always have. And there will go all my childbearing years, love and effort, right down the drain, without as much as a second look back from him. Thank you to all of you, you know who you are, that helped me realize this, and that I just can't do that to myself. I can't.

This has been harder than I ever thought it would be. But, vaguely, in my mind, I can almost see a new me. I see me doing these things, living, traveling, alone, and I am happy. It is foreign to me, but I still do see it. I am not there yet, but I at least have the desire to be. I still break down sometimes, in the car, in the shower, sometimes even during a down time at work. For only a minute. Or sometimes for several minutes. I still love him like a wife. I still want to have his children. I still want him to love me like he used to. I still want to hear his voice everyday. But I have decided that I cannot take his calls everyday, anymore. It is so bittersweet, this process. The lonliness equals the freedom.

I have become a different person (and am still changing) since I met him. I will never love openly again. Never. I know, this could harm my chances just in case "the one" (that term makes me gag now) actully does wander along, but it will be worth it in the end. I don't say this shit for ANYONE to pity me, or for anyone to call me bitter, or for any goddamned attention at all actually. I just needed to write the words as sort of a reminder. I am afraid if I don't permanently state them, then I will become weak and open myself up for hurt again, and I can't handle that. This sort of holds me accountable.

Ironically it was he who took down the sand-bag walls around my heart so I could actually love someone again, and he who created the steel walls that now reside there. I can't turn back on my decision to never break them down again. So, I have decided, I may let someone else in some day, but if I if I do, they are gonna have to fuckin' climb 'em.

The bitch has balls

2005-08-17T06:30:00.000-07:00

I cannot BELIEVE that bitch Jennifer ACTUALLY put up Kaysar last night. Kaysar! That stupid bitch (if she really thought about it) should know that she aint gonna win this game, so she should keep around the only eye candy in the house until she gets kicked out. Dumb stupid fucking bitch. Actually I'm just mad because I like watching Kaysar. He's just too hot. Now he's gonna be gone. The other (evil, eric worshiping) side has too many votes. Damn.

Okay, just a little burst of anger. I'm done.

It Happens All the Time

2005-08-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

This song is in my head. It is a new release from COLD. I think the song is playing when you reach the website. If not you can play it by pressing play at the very top right. I wanted to post on this mainly because I really like this band, and I feel like they don't get the airplay they deserve. I can't change that fact, but I feel bad that I forgot about them (and that I own their last 2 CDs) until I heard their new song again on the radio this morning.

This made me realize how important radio play can be. Their new release doesn't hit stores until August 30, so maybe their new single will be played more then.

Kind of a useless post, but I just wanted to spread the word about a band that I (shamefully)forgot I like a lot.

I hope everyone is surviving their Monday.

Bloggity blog blog, Bloggity blog blog

2005-08-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

I have the "Hoppity hop hop Hoppity hop hop Easter's on its way" song in my head, but with the words Bloggity blog blog instead of Hoppity hop hop. This is what TheraFlu and caffeine does to my head. Or maybe I'm just crazy. Who knows. But it's fun. Sing along now... Bloggity blog blog...

82% Bitches!!!!

2005-08-12T07:09:00.000-07:00

That's right. 82 fickin percent! 5 MILLION voters and 82% voted for the hottest man on BB6 to come BACK in the house! Take that Eric! You puffed up, bald little midget with "little dick syndrome". Cappy my ass. You don't deserve that stupid name. Ha!

Okay, I think it may appear that I have temporarily lost it with the Big Brother obsession. But I was going to have to throw something at the TV if people voted tiny little Eric back in. And if I have to hear Yvette talk about how in LOVE she is with "Cappy" for one more minute, I'm going to puke.

For those of you who don't understand why KAYSAR made it back in, just take a look at pic number 7 (hit next until you get to 7 of 69). My God it makes me week in the knees....

Okay, I'm done now.

Freed by pee!

2005-08-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

I somehow stumbled across this today while looking for info on the Arizona Stupid Motorist Law which I will post on later.

I was impressed.

However NOT too impressed with this idiot.... give me a break.

Oh my goodness. I was reading some more stories and came across this tragic one. Who was feeding this woman all that time? My God.

HaloScan

2005-08-10T11:23:00.000-07:00

So I finally have HaloScan. Now assholes can be banned. I got a little scared when I lost my old Blogger comments, but Blue944's instruction link enabled me to bring them back. Thanks Blue!

So, on to better subjects. Well different ones anyway.

So this weekend. This weekend was a lot of fun. 2 fellow bloggers (RC666 and his friend) came to Phoenix to party with Martini and me. We had a blast, and many drunken audio posts were made, however, not too many ended up going through. They are on Randy's site I believe. Hard to understand, but entertaining to say the least. It was fun to meet more bloggers! It's weird to know someone yet NOT know someone at all, and know what they look like, before ever seeing them in person. The internet is an amazing thing.

I ate fast food this weekend for the 1st time in a long time. And it made me sick enough to have to call in to work on Monday. Specifically, I believe it was the french fries that did me in because I haven't had fries in 3 months or more. I HAVE had a Taco Bell Crunch Wrap twice in the last month. Those were my 2 downfalls. The Crunch Wraps are evil and call out to your soul, creating an urge that you can't ignore. BUT, no french fry downfalls. Until last Sunday. Then I paid for it. While I was sitting on the couch, thanking God I was feeling better, I watched SuperSize Me. It brought back my nausea promptly, but helped me understand a lot.

I had no idea that you could damage your liver with fast food just as you can with alcohol. That is an eye opener. There were other revelations in this production that I won't bore you with, but I have a new opinion for McDonalds and the fast food industry. But I will still go there for a Coke (with extra ice just to be difficult) when I am feeling vulnerable. They have and always will have the BEST fountain cokes. Period. They must still add coke to their Cokes.

TM (The Marine) has managed to worm his way back into talking to me everyday. I know, it's only because I answer the damn phone, but still. He says he wants nothing more than friends, just like we were in the beginning. However, if I don't tlak to him at least once a day, he gets a little butt-hurt about it (like he did when we were together). So this is making no sense. PLUS he has mentioned for the last 3 days, how he wants me to come visit him so we can "hook up".

WTF???

What is he thinking? Well, I KNOW what he is thinking. Maybe this is more than you wanted to know, but the sex was EXTREMELY good. Close to the best I have ever had. Unfortunately he knows I feel this way. AND he knows me well enough to know that I could NEVER hook up with anyone else as long as I am still in love with him. And he knows I am still in love with him. Therefore, he knows I aint gettin' any right now. Damn him! So he dangles really good sex in front of me, because he wants to get laid himself. You might ask why he would ask me to come all the way out there to the other side of the damn country just so he could get laid? I am trying to tell myself that it is because I am THAT DAMNED GOOD (lol) but I don't seriously know why. Maybe it's too much work to have one of the sluts he talks to online come out to the Base, and sex is always better (well usually) with someone that knows you. You don't need to tell them what you like or dislike because they already know it. It IS a lot less hassle. But why the hell would I spend $300 I don't have, to come out there, to have sex (really REALLY good sex) only to seal my fate of NEVER getting over him?

THAT is what he wants. He wants EVERYTHING without the committment. He wants to KNOW that he has me by a string until he meets someone else. So that I will be "Right There Waiting" until he's done being an immature, fucking man-whore, asshole Marine and college student. That way when he is ready to come through on all the promises he made to me of wanting to be my husband forever and loving me forever and taking care of me forever, I will be there. Ready and waiting.

Well I just can't do that. I can't. But do I have the strength to go through all this with someone new, just to probably see it end the same fucking way? I don't think I can do that either? So why NOT wait around for that man I am going to love for the rest of my life anyway? Because I believe it may strip me of what little ounce of dignity I have left.

2005-08-10T06:14:00.000-07:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

It's the crazy ones with the good pills...

2005-08-09T06:07:00.000-07:00

That's one of my favorite lines from the late Sex in the City. Carrie meets a new guy at her shrink's office, and is discussing whether or not she should date him because "he might be crazy". Samantha correctly points out that indeed, "It's the crazy one's with the good pills."

Why do I post about this you say? Well, because I stayed home sick yesterday (better today- enough to go to work anyway) and zoned on the couch all day watching TV. And I must have seen that Sex in the City clip on their commercial oh, probably 5 times. And I laughed my ass off each time.

2005-08-05T13:21:00.000-07:00

How well do you know me?

2005-08-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

Take this quiz to see how well you know me, or take it to GET to know me! Either way, hope you have a happy weekend!

Take my Quiz!

Then you can see how others did:

Check out the Scoreboard!

What the HELL?

2005-08-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

This post is addressed to all you fuckin bottom feeders that are using my comment box as a fucking advertising billboard for "laser surgery" or "right wing politics".

FUCK OFF

For those of you who read my blog (for either the first time or on a regular basis) to cure your boredom or just cuz you're curious as to what's going on in my head: please disregard. This is not meant for you.

As for the assholes, I don't know HOW you stumbled across my blogaddress, but LOSE IT!

Thank you.

What's in YOUR wallet?

2005-08-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

Don't ask. I don't know why I made that my post title. It was just in my head. I love those commercials. They are so dumb. I guess the reason I was thinking along those lines, is because I was thinking about Big Brother, my current addiction. For you fellow addicts, I have a question. You know how when someone gets HOH (Head Of Household for you non addicts) they get access to their own room and a box full of stuff that they love and pics of family, etc? Well, first, I"m not sure if you list at the beginning of the show what you would like in your box, or if someone in your family or someone that works for the show picks the stuff. So, I'm not sure what would be in MY box. I would imagine it would be something like the following:

Box of Special K Red Berries and box of Golden Crisp cereal
Large bottle of Captain Morgain's Parrot Bay
A case of Dr Pepper
A case of Claussen Dill Pickles (the kind that are refrigerated- the crunchy ones)
A picture of my dog Sevin
A Carton of Parliament Lights
My Winnie the Pooh fleece blanket that my friend Chris made for me when I left TX

So, what would be in YOUR box?

This is your brain on drugs...

2005-07-18T10:04:00.000-07:00

Do any of you remember this commercial?

"This is your brain"...(they showed an egg still in the shell)

"This is your brain on drugs"...(they showed an egg getting cracked into a frying pan, sizzling)

Phoenix Weather at: 9:51 am MST
F° Currently:100° Partly Cloudy
High:116°
Low:90°

Anyway, that is all I can think of when I walk outside and feel my skin being burned off. I almost hear the sizzle. I think I may even try placing a pan outside in the sun for 5 minutes, cracking an egg and seing how long it takes to cook it. Someone on the radio said it was supposed to get to 118, but 116 is the forcast I read this morning. But it is still hot as hell either way. Fortunately I have ALL my shit moved and I don't have to move in this fucked up weather. I had a desk to move yesterday and I thought it was going to kill me and Martini. Its not even real wood. It's pressed wood from Target. You know the kind I'm talking about. I have an armoir of the same stuff. The armoir was not heavy. The desk, ya, it was 9000 lbs. Two girls, in 115 heat moving this thing off the bed of my truck, along the sidewalk, 10 feet at a time. I'm sure SOMEONE got a kick out of it. Luckily we are on the first floor. I kept asking God to send two sexy guys to drive by, see us strugling, and come to our rescue.

Nope.

Anyway, the heat sucks, but I will shut up because I love summer, and I CHOOSE to live here. The only thing that sucks is we actually have some humidity since the Monsoons are trying to start blowing in with some rain, so it's muggy as well. Thank God for Air Conditioning and Cable TV. I guess you know what I will be doing until the sun goes down....

How's the weather where you all are? I hope you are enjoying better weather than we are.

Tomorrows the Big Day

2005-07-12T10:57:00.000-07:00

So.... tomorrow is the big day. MOVING Day. Yes, tomorrow we get the keys to our new apartment. I have so much still to do, but I have had these annoying headaches and fuckin fatigue (more than usual) and this shitty thing called procrastination. It sucks. But, I am really excited now and so as soon I get home this afternoon, I will finish packing. Then.....yes THEN...it's off to see BBE and BWE (Best Bartender Ever and Best Waiter Ever) on stage. Yes they have a show tonight and Martini and I are going (how could we miss it?!?!?) to watch them and drool in our beer. Oh, the thought of it makes me happy. They are so fickin' sexy on stage. When BBE screams into that microphone and BWE slaps that funky bass, we are in another world. Okay, that may be overdoing it a bit, well, maybe not. I just think it is SO sexy to see a guy performing on stage. It's an early show at 7 tonight, so I'll still have time to go home and pack some more if I don't get it all done.

No luck on the sexy moving guys, but hey, we can do it! Too bad BBE and BWE couldn't help us out. But that would be a little weird. And we would want them to keep mixing and delivering drinks to us instead of moving heavy boxes, so nothing would get done. Oh well. Back to reality.

I just hope that we can get the TIVO hooked up in time to make sure all of our shows get recorded. Oh and we need to make sure we get Showtime added so we can watch Weeds in August and Queer as Folk. HBO was set up immediately to ensure that Entourage and 6 Feet Under are not missed either. These items are way more important than having enough $$ for food. Not eating = Good. No Entourage = Bad. At least my priorities are in place!!!

So here is to a new beginning *cheers*!!! Wish us good luck, and hopefully nothing falls out of the back of my truck! (Hey that rhymes!)

I'm back from CowTown, USA

2005-07-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize that I haven't had a real vacation in quite some time. Yes I have taken time off and gone to visit TM in the past, but we were always running around crazy and never really relaxing. This trip home was just that. Relaxing. I only got to see one of my TX friends and we didn't go out or anything. Just hung out and talked and got caught up on whats happened in the last year or so. It was nice. The rest of the time, I got to hang with my Mom (& StepDad) just watching movies, talking about old times and going through old pictures and stuff. We did spend a day or two totally cleaning and re-organizing the spare bedroom and getting all the Holiday decorations put neatly into clear plastic bins from Walmart, neatly labled with the contents of each bin, on the side. My mom is not the best at doing this, so she has been waiting for months for me to come help her do this. I love that kind of stuff, so it was fun.

And then there is my baby, Sevin. She is the BEST dog in the world. A little stupid, but in a cute "dog" kind of way, and tends to get herself into trouble every now and then, but I love her to death. I wanted to come back with pictures of her, but when I got there my dig camera had no battery in it, and I was too lazy to try to find it at Walmart, which is the only big store in town. (My parents actually live 40-min outside of Amarillo in dinky little town - population 14,500). So I wasn't going to drive in to Amarillo for a battery. Oh well. I'll have my parents email some pics.

When I got in, it was 5am Texas time, and my parents were asleep, but their window faces where I parked, so because the window was open, it woke Sevin and she always lets out one lone bark when something wakes her suddenly. So I heard the bark and then saw her head peaking out the window. She recognized me and started whining and then she dissapeared and I knew she was running to the front door waiting with her cute head cocked to one side waiting for me to come in. I walked in the door, and she spun around about 3 times, and I dropped down to her level so she could give me "kisses" on the cheek, and I gave her a big hug. I know I'm a freak. I just love my dog. She was always there for me, knowing EXACTLY when I was depressed, down, or sick. She would never leave my side if I was sick, laying at the other end of the couch, dozing with me while I get caught up on the soap operas, flicking channels in a cough medicine induced haze. And when I would come home crying, she would come up to me whining and lick the tears from my cheeks, and stay right by me until I stopped crying. Dogs are fickin' awesome. And they DO have feelings no matter what people say. Okay I will stop going ON and ON about my dog.

Anyway, I felt at home there, and I was able to relax, and the day I left, I actually felt refreshed. I haven't felt that in years. Really. I didn't know how much I needed it, but I did. I will definitely have to do it again in the next few months.

Amarillo By Morning... (Damn I hate that song!)

2005-06-23T12:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I am off to TX for a long weekend. I was supposed to be going to San Diego this weekend, but hey...things change. I haven't seen my Mom since the "Break-Up" and I just want to spend time with my mom. There just isnt anything like getting to let your Mom take care of you and hang out and watch movies and talk and laugh and act crazy. Plus I get to see my baby (well she's a dog) Sevin. I miss her soooo much. I love her to death, and my mom says since I left her 2 years ago, she still runs to the door when my mom says my name. So it makes me feel good to know that someone wants to see me so badly that they jump up and spin and practically pee themselves with glee when I show up. I can't wait. I will try to take pics to post when I get back. So Amarillo (I know, Amarillo sucks) here I come. God, I just know I'm gonna pick up my accent (small though it was) when I get back there and hang out with my friends again. Oh well. So I hope y'all have a great weekend y'all!!!

Sorry but I'm gonna bitch...

2005-06-16T11:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like I am sporting 2 personalities today. The weather is nice. I heard really good music on the way to work, the morning show guys were really funny, so all this would usually create a great day. And I actually feel, on the inside, a good mood stirring around. However, I feel like crap. Why? Oh, because my body sucks. Long story. It just sucks.

The reason I feel like crap is that I go to the pharmacy yesterday to get my medication refilled. The medication I have to take every day so that I can function like a normal person. I have pain every day. Period. I just do. Some days are better than others. Some worse. I have had a shit load of stress the last couple of months, which contributes to my "bad" days, causing me to take more of my meds per day than I normally do, so I can function and not stay in bed all the time. So, I get to the bottom of my bottle and drive to the Pharmacy and tell her I need to drop off a refill. A few minutes later, she calls me to the counter and looks at me and says in a fuckin snotty appalled way:

"Um Miss (Last Name) I can't fill this yet. It's WAY too soon! You are already OUT of it? Wowwww (shaking her head as if a tragedy occurred...give me a break)

I said "Yes, I am out. That is why I am asking for a refill."

She says "You just filled this on 5/26 and its a 25 (she drug out the word 25 by saying twen-ty-FIIIVE) day supply."

And then she just stared at me. So I'm like "So whennnn will you LET me fill it?"

She proceded to make an elaborate ordeal of counting days on the calendar and told me 6/20. I said "Fine" and snatched the bottle back out of her hand and walked out past ALL the other people behind me that heard her innaproprite display, causing them to think I am a druggy.

FIRST, the damned drug is not EVEN a fucking narcotic. So, I don't see why they are throwing a fit.

SECOND, it is not getting filed through insurance so, there is no one to deny the claim. I pay cash (no insurance yet).

THIRD, like I said before, NOT A NARCOTIC. Yes it is for pain. But WTF is their deal. If it were Vicodin or something of the like, I could understand. But IT IS NOT.

Have you ever seen the movie Powder? It is about a boy who's mother was struck by lightening while he was in her womb I think. Anyways he comes out looking Albino and has special powers. One scene in that movie (the only one) that sticks out in my head is the part where he is with a guy who is hunting deer. The hunter takes aim and hits the deer. They walk over to the deer, now laying on it's side whimpering. Powder is upset at this and the hunter is laughing at him. So Powder takes one hand and places it on the deers wound, and takes his other hand and places it on the mans arm, and then man instantly feels EXACTLY what the deer is feeling, and collapses to the ground. Suddenly realizing how unaware he was of the results of his actions.

Just once, well maybe more than once but at least once, I want this power. When I step up to the bitch Pharmacy Tech who eyes me like I'm a fucking junky, and she asks why I go through my medicine faster than it is prescribed I will reach over the counter and touch her arm. And I want her to go the rest of the day, feeling what I feel everyday. With NO meds. She MIGHT not throw such a fit next time. Or at least think twice about embarrassing me in front of the whole fucking pharmacy. Ya think? BITCH.

I got lucky...

2005-06-15T08:57:00.000-07:00

Okay.... so I got your attention. Unfortunately, it's not in the way that you think. (Sorry)

No I didn't get laid, BUT I did get a really awesome purse for a STEAL. It's dark red Italian leather, originally $120 and I got it for $39! Nice. I was doubting my decision to spend the money, but my tiny purse that I have now is fugly, and I cant fit anything in it. So Martini helped me realise that I NEEDED a new purse in a bad way, and that it was a kick ass purse, and 75% off. So I hand it over to the lady and she scans it and it turns out it was tagged wrong. It was supposed to be $59. But she just witnessed this discussion between Martini and I, and then she looked at the purse I had with me, realizing that I NEEDED this new purse and that I would not buy it if it was $60. So she called over the manager and told him she was marking it down for me. Yay! That kind of shit never happens to me. AND I got a really nice wallet in the clearance bin for $7.44 (originally $30). So it was a nice ending to my day.

However, the trip through the mall (after 2 martini's with martini and myramaines) was SUPPOSED to be for martini's Vegas Clothes (and the infamous search for black pants). However, martini and I were looking at our purses and realizing that I hated mine, and she wanted something more Vegas appropriate. So we got hung up at Wilson's leather. No Vegas Clothes...No Black Pants...Damn the smell of leather!!! It gets you every time. So intoxicating. Why do cows stink so bad, but leather smells so good? Anyway....

So as you read above, we decide that we need martinis, even though it IS a Tuesday. So where else would we go, other than to see the BBE and BWE??? Unfortunately it wasn't as rewarding as we originally planned. We got there a little before 5 and BBE's shift ended at 5. So we only got to stare at him for like 10 minutes. :( But, he did come back in to the bar a few minutes later, for some reason, maybe to pick up something he forgot, or maybe it was to swoon us by letting us see him in his regular (HOT) street clothes.

OMG We were sitting at a table and my back was to the bar, but martini was facing the bar, and I noticed that her eyes glazed over and her mouth went slack a little and so I was like "what?". Then I turn around. There is BBE, in his nothing-extraordinary-about-them-but-just-baggy-enough-to-be-hot-but-not-hide-his-ass-jeans, and the simple-white-hugs-his-chest-and-arms-but-not-in-a-gay-weightlifter-kinda-way-tshirt. And don't forget his smikey black hair....damn. I had actually just stood up to go get an extra plate at the bar, when I turned and saw him. And I actually got "weak in the knees". I could only just put my hand on my heart and say "Oh, dear God....". I had to sit down. I don't see many men that make me speachless. We just got so used to seeing him in his sorta-cool-but-still-goofy-because-it's-his-work-uniform-jersey, than seeing him in his actual HOT clothes was just too much. It was a similar reaction when we saw his band perform a few weeks ago. I was speachless then too.

(sigh)

How can one be this hot? I don't think he would meet criteria to be Mr Universe or anything, and some of our friends think he is just so-so. But I promise you, he is NOT so so. I understand why martini calls him BBE (Best Bartender Ever). Because he is! Now, BWE (Best Waiter Ever) was working the restaurant part of the bar and he was swamped because the dumb-asshole manager can't schedule right, so he wasn't able to talk to us much. He did manage to come over and say hello though, and ask why we were here on a Tue instead of a Friday, a tiny bit of small talk and then he was gone. I didn't say a word to him. I just sat and stared at him. I had a million things I wanted to say to him, yet didn't say a word. But how many times can I ask him about his puppy and new apartment? So I pouted because he didn't talk to me. Silly, I am. WTH? I am talking like Yota now? Anyway, that was my night last nite.

If I am still in love with TM, why am I so excited to see BWE? Maybe because there is no drama with BWE. Who knows. I'm so confused....

Fucking Lyrics

2005-06-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

I went out to my truck to smoke on my break a while ago, feeling pretty good for a Monday. I step outside the elevator into the parking garage, thinking I was going to post about how much I LOVE living here.

This time of year can be quite hot, but this year it has been rather mild, I think. It was 10:30am, I have no idea what the temp was but I have long sleeves and jeans on and I was perfectly comfortable. It was warm, but a comforting warm, if anyone happens to know what that is. This kind of weather, or at least the weather at that particular moment, reminds me of October here in Phx. It's the best time of year here, hands down.

This type of weather somehow gives me hope, makes me feel content, carefree. It's amazing what sunshine can do for you. Despite all the medical evidence that proves (a safe amount of) sun is beneficial to your body and mood, it still just makes me happy. Maybe because I grew up here, so most of my childhood memories invovled sunshine. Who knows. All I know is that if I had to live in a place where it was cloudy or rainy or cold more than it was sunny and warm, I would shut down. That weather (for extended periods of time) makes me severly depressed.

I do have to say however, that the (too short) Monsoons here are KICK ASS, and I LIVE for Monsoon season. It's awesome. Most might find it an annoying way to bring humidity to the heat along with dirt and strong wind. But I guess to a Phoenician that gets NO WEATHER all year long, it's very exciting.

Anyway, to get to the title of my post....
I walked to my truck to smoke since I left my lighter up at my desk. I put the keys in the ignition and pushed in the lighter. Since I can't STAND dead silence I turn on the radio and the new Staind song just started. It's called Right Here, I think.

This isn't the first time I have heard it, but it was the first time I was able to sit quietly and listen to the lyrics, and feel the melody swirl around my heart and grip it with the realization that he is singing it, without knowing, just what I have wanted to say myself (to TM).

TM and I were engaged until 2 months ago when everything just dissolved. It's way too complicated to ever explain, but simple mistakes were made and the distance apart couldn't heal us. We have continued to talk off and on, with a weak attempt to not lose that awesome friendship that we had in the beginning. I'm not sure we can breathe enough life into it to revive it, but I would be willing to do anything it takes to try. Unfortunately he thinks he is the only one that put up an effort while we were still "together" and I didn't try hard enough. And now that he left, I feel like I am the only one trying. Maybe I'm living in denial, but I wasn't lying when I told him that I need no one else and that I was committing myself to him forever.

So I feel like I am constantly begging for forgiveness, yet in my heart I don't feel like I did anything wrong enough to be going through this.

That said, this song hit me. HARD. So I sat and smoked sitting in my truck with the door open, with tears running down my face as I prayed that my efforts of trying to save this might not be in vain.

I know I've been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I've made.
I've got some imperfections
But how can you collect them all and throw them in my face ?

But you always find a way
to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
to keep you right here waiting.

I hope you're not intending
To be so condescending
it's as much as i can take
and you're so independent
you just refuse to bend
so I keep bending till I break.

But you always find a way
to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
to keep me right here waiting
And if you chose to walk away
I'd still be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say
to keep you right here waiting.

I've made a commitment
I'm willing to bleed for you
I needed fulfillment
I found what I need in you.

Why can't you just forgive me?
I don't want to relive all the mistakes I've made
along the way.

But I always find a way
to keep you right here waiting
I always find the words to say
to keep you right here waiting

But you always find a way
To keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say
to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away
would you be right here waiting?
Searching for the things to say
to keep me right here waiting.

-Staind Right Here

2005-06-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

I am sweet, like Sugar.

I am all sweetness and light; fluffy bunnies and dancing fairies; happiness and joy. Too much of me will make you sick.

What Flavour Are You?

Yeeeeeee Haaaaawww

2005-06-08T09:40:00.000-07:00

On the way to work this morning, I was wishing I had spent the extra money and got the camera phone. The same vehicle was in front of me almost the entire time I was on the 101, however I didn't REALLY look at it until I was almost here (it was 5:40am; I don't wake up mentally until 8:30).

It was a Maroon F-150 with one of those "Support the Troops" magnetic "ribbons" except this one was American Flag print instead of the normal yellow. In side the space of the top of the "loop" of the ribbon, is a sticker that says "Git - R - Dun". A popular pharase used by hick comedian Larry the Cable Guy. How RedNeck can you get? Don't get me wrong, I think Larry the Cable Guy is funny as shit. But come on.

And get this, his personalized license plate read:

THE HUGE

?????? What is THAT supposed to mean? Besides his truck was only an F-150 not an F-350. So it's not like he has a huge truck. I HOPE he's not referring to anything else. I don't need to know the size of your penis at 5:40 in the morning. Thanks

H-h-how c-c-can I h-h-help y-you????

2005-06-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

Why the hell is it so COLD up in here?!?!?!?

I am literally shivering. I have a kinda gauzy thin sleeveless blouse on with a thin cardigan over it, and jeans on. I thought the cardigan would be enough. NOPE. So I pull out one of my blankets (I keep 2 of them here at work, no I'm not kidding) and wrap it around my legs. NOT enough. Still cold. So I put on my zip up hoodie-sweatshirt OVER my cardigan. I am finally to regular human body temp on the inside again, however my fingers and nose are about to fall off.

WHY???

Yes I work in a call center environment. And yes there are a lot of overweight women working here, due to the fact that we are required to be at our desks for our entire shift (sitting on our asses all day), and we have a RIDICULOUS amout of potlucks and pizza and ice cream parties, for dumbass reasons. For this reason (and also for the maintenance and IT guys that run all over the place all day long) there are complaints all the time about how it's "so hot in here...whew!".

Unfortunately, those of us with bodyfat percentages UNDER 40%, are required to keep sweat-hoodies, blankets and even scarves (yes I have one, and yes I have used it here, mainly to make a statement). I am by NO means anorexic, model thin, or even called a "skinny" person, (there go my male readers, lol). But I'm not fat. So I enjoy the inside temp to be around 78 degrees at the coldest. I believe they keep it 72 in here. I own a space heater, but the fire code won't allow it. WE ARE IN THE FICKIN DESERT!!!! I should not have to keep my long pants and sweaters in the closet in JUNE. AR-I-FICKIN-ZON-A people!!!!!

The only good thing about it is that I have resorted to squats and lunges at my desk in between calls. So at least my ass will get into shape. You would think that with a building THIS huge, they would want to lower their electric bill to save money. NOPE. It's fucking insane. Not fickin insane. FUCKIN insane. Wow I feel much better now. Anger tends to create internal heat. Thanks for listening.

Hey, does anyone else experience this problem at work?

Hey, I'm baaaaaack...

2005-06-02T07:12:00.000-07:00

I would first like to apologize for my absense. I know I don't need to apologize since this is MY blog, but I have just been in a funk lately. I can't completely explain it, but I have just become disheartened lately with my own situation and my friends situations with the men in their lives. But I couldn't keep quiet any longer so please forgive my temporary tantrum, but I need to get something out....

I'M TIRED OF IT.....

What am I tired of you may ask? Well there are PLENTY of things that I could go on and on about, but right now I'm tired of the following:

I am SO tired of seeing (and hearing/reading about) kick-ass beautiful women getting shit on or taken advantage of by the opposite sex. Now, BEFORE you men get all butt hurt and start calling me a feminist (which I am NOT), I DO understand that it works the other way around JUST as often. It just happens to be my female friends that are getting screwed (not in the good way) lately.

WHY?????

Why can't people be honest, and faithful and think of others for once? Have these qualities become extint? Is it because the good guys always seem to come in last, so they have been dwindled out of existance by "survival of the fittest"? Good guys don't make it. Is that it? This is a scary thought for me. This turns otherwise sane, amiable, respectable women into bitter, crazy bitches that don't trust ANYONE. I don't want to be like that. I love men. I love being around them, I love falling in love and I also enjoy the "no strings attached" idea also. All of the above CAN be enjoyed by most of us women. But it seems that lately, we can't enjoy those things anymore without a ridiculous amount of drama developing.

I used to have more guy friends than girlfriends. I enjoy their company better then hanging out with women (for the most part, and there are a few exceptions). I am a very liberal, open-minded non-typical female. I like watching sports (not an expert, I just like watching them), I like shooting guns, cuss like a sailor and like drinking beer. I enjoy shows like The Man Show and don't find them offensive. It takes a hell of a lot to offend or piss me off. I can see how this may make me sound like a butch lesbian, man-hating feminist...I AM NOT. I like a good manicure, pedicure and getting my hair done, drinking martini's and wearing high heels (when the situation calls for it) just like any other girl. But where do we draw the line?

It seems that men only want the chase. They WANT you to play hard to get. Then when they "get" you, they are bored with you. They WANT a girly-girl, then they can't stand how prissy you are. And I have learned that they seem to be intimidated by women that have a strong mind and can form their own opinions. God help them if you can actually hold your own in a conversation about sports. Then you just become one of their "buddies". Then eventually "fuck buddies".

How many times have you seen one of your really awesome friends hook up with a bitch/asshole? And what about the hot guys that seem to end up with an overweight Plane Jane's? I know it shouldn't be about looks, and its not. But it just seems that we aren't pretty enough for one half of the male population, and not ugly enough for the other.

I don't know. I haven't dated in 3 years. I have a WHOLE DIFFERENT view on men and can't understand my own situation, but I am not going in to that. I really do not intend for this to bash men AT ALL. I just have seen my friends going through these situations lately, and I know these women and know how fucking cool they are and beautiful they are, and I don't understand what it is that is blocking the vision of the men in their lives. Why? That's all I want to know.

Are the men just as jaded as us women? Is that why they are fucking us over? Because of the she-devils out there making the rest of us look bad? Why can't God, or some other invisible force bring us together, those of us that just want to love and be loved and respected in return?

So in case you meet one of us, bitter, gun shy, jaded women and wonder why we are the way we are, now you know.

FRIDAY

2005-05-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

Okay, this post was going to be about last weekend, but it's getting too long, so it's gonna post in installments. It turns out I have too much to say about the Best Waiter Ever....

FRIDAY
So as you may know if you read martini's blog on a regular basis that Friday night always starts at 4pm at our favorite bar. Why is it our favorite bar? Well, that would be because they employ the Best Bartender Ever (BBE), the Best Waiter Ever (BWE) and the Best Happy Hour Ever!!! So I met martini and mzmojo there and we kick it off with the Best Martinis Ever (BME). Mmmmmm.... Washington Apple Martinis..... Where was I? Oh, yeah. So we basically drink and stared at the staff. Mojo wasn't too impressed with BBE (what was she thinking?....lol...j/k). Honestly every time we go there, they get hotter and hotter. You might think that the BME's are making the BBE look better than he really is, but no, I've seen him when I'm sober and well, just trust me.

So, we take it kinda easy since we know that we are going to be drinking all night. But I drank my BME's a little too fast and ended up with a nice buzz (no complaints). Then I discovered some things about the BWE that made him even better. First, I found out that he just got a puppy. A puppy! What girl can resist a puppy. No I haven't seen it in person, but he did show us a picture on his cell phone. (He has a pic of his dog on his cell phone!) Damn, I'm a sucker for guys that love dogs. Anyway, so I ask him what kind it is: Pug (How fickin awesome is that...not my favorite breed, but still fickin cute as hell). Then I have to ask his name: Fizzgig (from The Dark Crystal...my FAVORITE movie as a kid). I'm already starting to feel a tiny infatuation coming on, then I see him scrolling thru the other pics on his phone and I see a baby. I'm thinking "Is it his?" So I ask of course. He explains that it is his 4 month old niece. "Isn't she adorable?" he asks. (He keeps a pic of his niece on his cell phone too!). So he was telling us how the next day was his birthday and it sucked because he had to work a double shift since they are short handed. (Poor BWE) So I ask "Who is gonna watch Fizzgig?" (knowing it is a puppy and all, and can't be left alone). He says oh my sister watches Fizzgig and I pay her back by watching my niece. (Okay I almost fainted. First, he loves dogs enough to get a baby sitter for them. Second, he is able to watch a 4 month old baby without freaking out. I didn't know these guys were out there-sorry guys). So he leaves to wait on another table. I turn to Martini and ask "Is it insane that I am totally turned on by the fact that he loves dogs and kids?" She just laughs and says no of course not. So the infatuation is in full force. But wait, it will get even worse before the weekend ends. We'll get to that later.

So, we leave a couple hours later and head to another bar across town to drink and watch the Suns game. (kickass game by the way) I decide to halt the drinking so Martini, Mzmojo and Mymellowme (who met us there) can get their drink on. Great game, lots of people, lot's of Redbull and Vodka's later, we decide to head to another bar to hang and play pool, etc. Well by the time we get there (it was only 10:45 or so mind you) and lets just say that the game of pool was interesting. Balls were flying off the table, vomiting (not on the pool tables) and drunken audioblogs all around. Pizza became immediately necessary. Now the ordering process was very amusing from my sober stand point. Martini trying to drunk order a pizza with two more drunks loudly giggling and singing in the backseat. (What was funnier was that I had to remind martini which card she used to order the pizza the next morning). Damn that was funy. So we had 40 minutes til Pizza Hut arrived.....what could we do....how 'bout buy more alcohol!!!! Oh yeah. We head to the grocery store to buy The Captain. We love the Captain. He treats us well, and guarantees good times! Well, drinks were mixed continually throughout the evening, drunk calls were made to old friends, cheese sticks were thrown and my cheeks and abs hurt from laughing so much! We decided to sit out on the patio to talk cuz the weather here kicks ass right now. We started by talking about how we love Captain Morgan and how fickin cool it would be to be a pirate. Then mellow talk the funniest damned joke (considering the mass amounts of Captain that had been consumed) :

"Why didn't the parents let their child see the pirate movie?"

"Because it was rated Arrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!"

This was side splittingly funny at the time. Then the conversation turns to pool jumping. This leads to the great idea of jumping in the pool. Unfortunately the complex pool is locked after midnight. So we decide that jumping the fence is fine, but then the sprinklers come on. Yep. we ran through the sprinklers like a bunch of 5 year olds. It was awesome. It's like 3 in the morning, and we're all soaked from the waist down. What a sight! It was great. It's finally time for bed when the sun starts coming up, and the fifth of Captain was empty. Good Times, Good Times. More to come to complete the weekends events....

Blogger Block Sucks

2005-05-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

The following post is my insides spilling out, trying to sort out what has been bothering me. So it may not make sense to you, and I apologize for that, but I just needed to get it out. If you would like to read on, put your feet up and pour a drink cuz it's a long one.

You have heard of writers block I am sure. But I don't consider myself a writer, so I guess I would have to explain my absence as "Blogger Block". I just can't get up the energy to form sentences out of the thoughts in my head. It's been an interesting last week. There are things that I could post on that could make you laugh. Like the Taxi guy at the bar on Sunday. The apartment lady on crack. These made me and Martini laugh so hard we were crying. However I don't really feel like laughing right now. I am more in the crying mood.

There is no way I could possibly write about what's going on with me, in a way for you to totally understand my situation. It's just that my emotions are totally all over the place. When The Marine and I broke up, I tried to deal with the loss at the time. My life had stopped and turned upside down. But after two days, I realized I couldn't do it. I couldn't deal with it. So I stuffed it down into a pandora's box that is now coming back to haunt me. But I needed to either heal FAST, or deal with it later, so I could finish the semester, and keep getting up in the morning so I kept my job, even thought I wanted to die. So I chose to to take raincheck on reality. I had work to do. I had to start building that infamous wall we all have (or most of us anyway) been talking about lately. My wall was totally gone. Foundation and all. I had to start from the ground up. I even had to buy new bricks. I destroyed the old ones. Two and a half years and an engagement ring gave me that stupid false sense of security against future attacks. So I was unprepared when it hit. Totally unprepared. I never saw it coming.

Then after the attack and the some of the smoke cleared, I had the enemy coming in asking if he could help me rebuild. What? you say....Ya. I know it's fucked up. It makes no sense. We have pretty much talked in one way or another everyday since this happened. It was mostly me lashing out at first and then I realized it was for the best that we called things off for now, and tried to be friends. That's what we started out as. And once I was outside, I realized that we were failing fast. If he hadn't done what he did, we would have ended up hating each other. I am NOT saying that the way he handled it was right. But it did turn out to be a good thing. So we talked, everyday, like we used to when we first met. Suddenly our conversations were light, hilariously funny ( I forgot how funny we used to be around each other), and satisfying rather than tense and emotional. But it was so weird that we both wanted to still say "I love you" at the end of the call, etc, but we didn't. We both had admitted that we were still in love with each other, but we were not going to keep saying it, because that makes things so complicated. That would make us more than friends and right back where we were. There is SO much more to this story, I could go on forever. Basically, even after agreeing to not say we love you, he broke and confessed that he is still in love with me, and wants no one else for the rest of his life, and that he hopes we will be together again someday, etc.

I didn't know what the fuck to do!!! My foundation was set and dried. My bricks were about 4 feet high; not enough to prevent these damned feelings that keep trying to seep their way in. Now all of a sudden he is right back inside those damned walls. So what did I do? I ran. I ran as fast as I could, found the nearest hole and buried my head in the sand, hoping that if I hid, maybe this situation will fade away as if it never happened. I avoided him. I wasn't home for him to call me. I wasn't online for us to talk. I would shoot him an IM and ask how he was and apologize that I can't talk because I was busy. I WAS busy. But I was busy because I MADE myself busy. He NEVER came out and expressed his feelings like that before. I always wanted him to. And then he does it when we are supposed to just be friends? I didn't know how to act. Well, what I did was shitty. All I had to do was tell him that I didn't feel comfortable talking about that. But I ignored him. I feel bad. But unfortunately, that is what I do when I am faced with a problem sometimes. This is something I need to work on.

But last night this all came down and he explained that he will never reveal his feelings to me again. He will never tell me he loves me again. He thinks I was playing a game with him, Trying to hurt him to get him back for hurting me. Now he is so angry with me and refuses to talk about anything other than light conversation with me. So you would think that I would be relieved, right? This is what I wanted right? When he DID open up, I avoided him and ran. I ignored him. Now that he is refusing to open up, I feel like I'm losing him all over again. It just killed me to know that I hurt his feelings, and that he is angry with me. NOTHING hurts me more in life than knowing that I did something shitty to someone close to me. I just feel like shit. Absolute shit.

Why am I so upset that he closed up on me? Isn't that what I wanted? I am so fucking confused. I don't even know for sure what I am feeling right now. All I know is that I want to be with him again someday. But not now. We can't just go back to where we were. It's too late. The only thing we could do is try to be friends and maybe start completely over eventually. Now I'm afraid that I fucked it all up.I just want things to go back to the way they were last week. I wish last week never fucking happened.

There is no need to comment on this post. This was mainly to get shit off my chest and to try to write shit down in hopes to try and discover what the hell I am really feeling. Like That Girl (and others) have said, we tend to post with the expectations of others reading it. So I was hesitant to post with the thought that it may be a little depressing and not very entertaining. But I need to get this shit out. Normal programming should resume shortly.....lol.

C'est Tout! & "She's a MAN?!?!?!?"

2005-05-10T21:55:00.000-07:00

"That's All!"

What a beautiful phrase in any language. That's all. Finals are done. I am relatively happy with my performance. I could have done better and studied harder. However, I got by, and am SO relieved!
The reason for the last short post ? Who knows. I think it's a consipacy going on at work. I think they are contemplating taking away all non-work related email. More and more sites are being "blocked" and for the last few days, about 90% of the sites we try to access, says "unable to locate server". How can you locate a server when I'm searching for "some" sites, but not others? If you can't find the server, you can't find the server. Am I right? It's wierd. Oh well. No one wants to say anything to the IT guys in fear of our supervisors actually finding out how much time we actually SPEND on the internet. So we remain silent, and frustrated. Meanwhile, for some reason, martini and I could only post about 2 sentences on our blogs at one time. If we tried to post a larger blog, we kept getting "this page could not be located" or "unable to locate server". GRRRRRRRR (as martini would say) lol.

Anyway, when I finshed my Biology final last night, I was so excited that I did well, that I immediately called martini to see if she would join me for a celebratory drink. She agreed, and unfortunately, I assisted her in breaking her "no beer until vegas" rule. Sorry martini. Anyway, we head to one of our favorite spots where martini is known pretty well, and her "regular" status got us a free shot from the bartender. He couldn't tell us what was in it. He said he wasn't sure. It was some concoction he made up. It actually tasted like a very strong banana-strawberry smoothy. Mmmmmmm. We justified taking this shot on a Monday night because it smelled and looked and tasted healthy. Hey if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck.....So.... I then point out this UGLY wasted chick falling all over this creepy old guy that obviously looking for some cheap action. I was telling martini it makes me sick to see creepy old guys and ugly trashy women practically having sex on the damn bar. We laughed about it for a little while and turned our attention to the Suns vs. Mavericks game. Steve Nash this...Steve Nash that....blah blah blah. Then martini says, hey that guy that was with her just dissappeared. I looked over...sure enough. She was by herself. Teetering on the bar stool, barely able to sit up straight she was so drunk. I see her having a conversation with the bartender. Then we see her stumble out of the bar. There was only about 10 people in the bar at that time, and we were ALL watching her leave, laughing our asses off. Then I hear the bartender imitate their conversation:

(Imagine a very slurred, thick Mexican accent...) "I have no mon-nee...hee hee hee!!!!"

Okay, that does it no justice. It was so fickin funny! Apparently she just walked out on her tab, trying to tell the bartender to put her drinks on the guy's tab that was sitting next to her. He was like "No lady, that guy bolted, the tab is yours." That's when she said (slurred) she "had no mon-nee..hee hee hee" and stumbled out. Then, I hear the bartender make a remark that one would make about a man. (I can't remember exactly what he said, sorry, but I'm sure it was rather vulgar anyway) So I turn to martini and say "Wait....that was a MAN?!?!?!" She just looks at me like "duh, jyny". It all made sense suddenly. That's why she was such an ugly woman. That's why that guy sitting next to her hauled ass out of the bar like that. LOL Aw, man. Good Times, man...Good Times...

I swear there is a post coming...

2005-05-10T06:17:00.000-07:00

grrrrr

It's "NUN" ya bid-ness...

2005-05-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

No not really....but that saying just popped into my head when I posted a pic on my profle. Most people in blogland don't post pics because it's not necessary to see what we look like. But pics are fun. Especially halloween pics! So who knows how long I will keep it up. You can't tell what I look like COMPLETELY, but it is me as my alter ego...the Pregnant Nun with Horns (horns optional). I started the night as just a pregnant Nun. That was fun, then this crazy Medusa looking girl corrupted my look with a pair of devil horns (you can see them if you look close). I grew to like them over the next hour or so, so they stayed. And Voila! SO....if you were not offended enough by my Halloween costume to remove me from your link list...then I'll see ya on Monday!!!!

Whew...kinda

2005-05-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got done with my oral French final. My partner and I practiced for an hour straight right before we went in to present. We did perfect every time. And then we get in there, 1/2 way through the presentation and I skip like 4 lines. My partners face was hilarious. I knew I fucked up, but I couldn't remember what I missed. She covered for me beautifully. Thank God. So I know my prof knows I screwed up, but we smoothed it out enough to get by okay. Now I just have my Biology final on Monday and my French written final on Tuesday. Then I am done! I was going to take the next two semesters of French this summer to get them over with, but I have changed my mind. I am taking the summer off to work my ass off and save some money. Maybe that's stupid. But I don't give a shit. I have nothing saved anymore and I need to have some money in the bank. So that is what I am going to do. I work 30 hours a week now at my job. If they won't give me 40 then I will probaly just get a second job. If I do that, I will probably get a job at a food place so I don't have to buy food. I can just take some home at night. I told myself that I would never work fast food, but I could work somewhere like Baja Fresh or Paradise Bakery or somewhere that serves salads and "good for you" food. So many choices.

Que?

2005-05-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

I guess this is why I have a thing for Latinos....interesting...

I got this from AmberLynn...try it out!

Your Inner European is Spanish!

Energetic and lively.

You bring the party with you!

Who's Your Inner European?

I microwaved my keys....

2005-05-03T08:41:00.000-07:00

That's right. I MICROWAVED my friggin keys! How could this happen, you say? Well, I was forced to be frugal since my fickin purse was stolen in Ghetto Ass Laughlin (post to come later) so I had no access to money with my accounts being shut down and all. So, I grabbed a bagel and an orange to eat at work, placed them in a bag and headed out the door. When I get to work, I get out of my truck, walk to the elevators (outside) and notice Psycho Homeless Breakdancing Guy heading my way at alarming speed. So I dropped my keyes into the bag and pressed the down button as fast as I could while staring at this freakshow, trying to judge how long I will wait before I run. Finally the door opens and I jump inside, pressing the [><] (close doors) button and shrinking into the corner of the elevator trying to catch my breath as the doors close (why do they close so slow when PHBG is after you, but so fast when you are trying to sneak into them?). Anyway, all this madness caused me to forget that I had placed my keys in the bag with the bagel and orange.

Time passes and I take out the orange and decide that I will heat up the bagel inside the bag to keep it moist. I wrap the bag around the bagel and place into the microwave in the breakroom. Set it for 25 seconds and turn around to watch the TV. It beeps when done, and I grab the bag and head back to my desk. On my way there I notice something hard in the bag. I am wondering what the hell it is so I unroll the bag and reach in to feel my KEYS at the bottom of the bag, just a tiny bit warm and covered in poppy seeds. I stop in the hallway and just stare at them with my mouth open. WTF?

How did it not blow up the microwave? Did I just have fate on my side? Did the Power That Be decide I had enough bullshit happen to me this weekend, that He decided to let this one slide? Or are keys not metal? There were only 2 keys, one spare Toyota key (no black plastic top since it is a spare) and a shiny new silver house key (had to have house locks changed since my address was on my ID along with all my keys in my purse). The keychain is a metal dog tag with a key ring that the keys are on. All appearing to be metal. Is it only alluminum that catches fire in a microwave? Hey Dan the Science Man, do you know how this happened? I am stumped.....thankful but stumped none the less. Hmmmmmm......

If I could be....

2005-04-29T08:59:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I am copying this from KelBel even though I was not tagged. I think this is the coolest thing and I will like to look back on it in the future to see if I still feel the same way. I don't have a large number of Blog followers, so I am not going to "tag" anyone, but I would love to see what others would like to do with the following professions. So here are the rules.

Immediately following there is a list of 26 different occupations. You must select at least 5 of them . You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select 5 of the items as it was passed to you). Each one begins with "If I could be..." Of the 5 you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession.
Once you're done you direct this at three (three) people you think will put a cool spin on their answers. Don't forget to add a profession to the end of the list with a link to your meme!

If I could be a psychologist...
I would work 50 hours a week, but the last 20 hours a week would be for indigent patients, or low income patients. This may seem silly to some, but at $100 an hour, I will have plenty to support myself on with only 30 hours a week. I had to stop seeing a psychologist when I was 13 (and actually needed it) because my dad left and My mom and I had no insurance. Having someone to talk to would have really helped, so I would like to do what I can to help those that were in the same situation I was in.

If I could be a linguist...
I would definitely work for the FBI or CIA. I would interpret for national leaders, assist with undercover sting operations in foreign coutries, getting to travel and live life on the edge. And I would love to go to another country and be able to hear (and understand) people when they call me a dumb American, so I can bitch them out (fluently mind you) in their own language.

If I could be a doctor...
I started to say that I would be a plastic surgeon, but I have changed my mind. I don't want that much responsibility. But as chessy as this sounds, I would either be a Vet or join Doctors Without Borders (only if I had no family at home). I just think that if I was privledged enough to have that knowledge, I should assist others by teaching them how to treat injuries and teach good hygeine to avoid infection and just help those in need period.

If I could be a musician...
I would love to work with Sting. I am in love with Sting, yes, because he's fickin' hot as hell, but I admire him hugely for his insight and the depth of his music and how he sews his love for the art into every song. He's a genius. As for intsruments, I would probably play the piano and celo.

If I could be a scientist...
I would die and go to heaven. That is what I am going to school for now. I love science. It just makes sense to me. There are so many fields I would love to get into. When I was in high school, I did a paper on AIDS, and thought it would be so cool to be able to do reasearch a cure for it. I would also like to study genetics. But most of all, I would want to be Greg (when he still worked in the lab) on CSI. Forensics are where it's at!

The List
If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...(by Ogre)
If I could be a bonnie pirate...(By Teach)
If I could be a servicemember...(By Jeremy)
If I could be a business owner...(By Blue944)
If I could be an actor... (By Blue944)
If I could be an agent...(By KelBel)
If I could be video game designer...(By KelBel)

If I could be a personal assistant...(By Jyny)

If I could be an archeologist...(By Jyny)

I'm a sucker for the quizzes...

2005-04-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

So, I'm a little disappointed to find out that I am a Mutt. I thought for sure I would be a Lab or Golden Retreiver, (sigh)...oh well...I guess it's not the WORST description I could get....

What are you? Try it!

Mutt

Which dog are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Am I the only one...?

2005-04-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

So, am I the only one that:

Uses the "Buffer Stall" rule in public bathrooms?
In case you don't understand what I'm talking about. You walk into the bathroom at school/work/any other public restroom. You probably have your preferred spot or stall (even if it's your first time in there). If the stall you are planning on using is full, and all the other stalls are free, do you choose the very next empty stall? Or do you go down one or two more? I ALWAYS use the "buffer stall" if available. Using the restroom is a personal thing and even if I am 10 stalls away, I know they are STILL going to hear me pee, but it just feels better to have that space, you know? The other day at work, this lady walks in, and goes into the stall right next to mine. All the other stalls were open. ???? Why? Was her desire to use her favorite stall so great as to over ride the buffer stall rule? Or am I the only one that follows this?

Uses the "Buffer Seat" rule at the movie theatre?
Okay maybe I have a "personal space" issue, but I will NOT chose an empty seat that has someone next to it. Isn't that just weird? I remember one time, I was in an empty row. This guy and his wife come in and sit RIGHT next to me. They had an ENTIRE row to choose from. That just creeps me out. I got up and moved. Maybe that's what they wanted in the first place so they could sit right where I was. Who knows.

Is disgusted by public nose-blowing?
Okay, I am aware that some readers may actually BE public nose blowers. Blowing (their noses) wherever they please, WHENever they please, no matter how loud or disgusting it may be. I understand if you are extremely sick and can't get away from your desk and have to blow a little bit in order to breathe, so you can make it to the bathroom. However, there are people who blow their nose constantly. Every day. At the same time, like a ritual. And it's LOUD. Seriously. Like a fog horn. Weeee-onnnnngggg! Fickin' gross. Rude. And on that subject, what the hell is with the handkercheif concept. That's just disgusting. Blowing snot into a rag, and carry it around all day. Eeeeewwww.

Anyway, I was just wondering if I was the only one that felt this way...

Sorry Bush fans...

2005-04-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

I saw this bumper sticker yesterday on my way home. I forgot about it til now.

BUSH + DICK = SCREWED

I tried to find a link so you could see it, but I could only find this, which is the same only on a shirt.

I love it.

OK, ya, I'm in lust...who knew they were so hot?

2005-04-21T21:30:00.000-07:00

I know I just posted, but I was reading over my post to make sure all my links came thru okay, and I was checking my 98 KUPD link and realized I haven't checked out their website in a while. So I was clicking on some of the event pics they recently posted, and I came across the pics for when Alterbridge came to The Patio. See, when the radio station presents a concert or show for a major band, they always have them out to the radio station to have them play on the back patio. No tickets required, no entry fee. If you show up, you get to hear the band perform acoustic for a while. It's usually the afternoon before the show. I have never gone, because I usually have class. But I am now making it a habit to go if I can. You would think there would be a shit load of people showing up to see (and meet, mind you) their favorite bands up close, but the radio station is located in Guadalupe, AZ (in between Phoenix and Tempe....it's basically little Mexico, very underdeveloped area that you don't want your car to break down in, I guess I would say) so half of the listeners live no where near it, and most of the other half either can't find it or don't want to go. I live insanely close (like 10 minutes) from there so I have no idea why I haven't gone. Dumb. ANYWAYS, my point was...

I was browsing the Alterbridge pics and I saw them. Eyes widened. Mouth dropped open. A little bit of drool almost came out. Check them out. I understand most people do not share my taste in men, but OMFG!!!!!!

I hate these guys, oh but I love THIS song...

2005-04-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

First I have to apologize for hitting a blog block. I have sat at the screen for the last few days, reading comments and trying to come up with some witty description of what has been going on in my life, only to realize that it has been so boring that NO ONE would want to read about it...not even ME. But I am just saying FICK IT. So here goes.

While I was driving home from class last night, I was waiting for Love Line (with Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla) to come on 98 (my favorite station), when the DJ said he had a new song by System of a Down, whom I normally do NOT like at all (sorry fans, but I just can't get into them). However, when I switched over to The Zone (my second fav station), they had annoying car commercials on (which make me want to drive myself into a lamp post - hey come to think of it, maybe that's why they are so annoying, so you drive yourself into a pole, then you need a new car, and you will remember the commercial that was playing when you wrecked, and end up going there to buy your new car...hmmmmm...anyways) so I flipped back to 98 and the song had started and so I decided to just listen to it, and I'll be darned. I LIKED it!!! It's called BYOB. It's on a CD that hasn't come out yet, but I really liked it!!!

So I have been thinking...I say that quite often. I feel like that with Green Day. I have no idea why I just can't like them, I recognize they are great artists, but I don't enjoy their music....EXCEPT for I Walk Alone. I love that song. I had a whole crap load of examples when I started this post, but since Blogger is being a bitch, and wouldn't cooperate with me, I got frustrated and forgot.

But I know that I feel this way toward some foods too. I looooove tomatoes. But I don't particularly like catsup that much. I hate cheese, but love pizza, mac & cheese, and quesadillas. I just don't like cheese by itself or on hamburgers, or salad or fries. Weird I know. Lets see, what else..... Oh, I love bananas but HATE banana pudding, banana candy or banana flavored anything. Same with Raspberries, the real thing is good, but not raspberry flavored drinks, candy gum, etc. Oh and milk. Eeewww. I will NOT drink milk on purpose unless it is skim milk in my cereal, or with chocolate cake. That's it. Oh and I will drink half & half if it is with Kahlua on ice. Also, I love plums but can't stand prunes. I love grapes, but don't like raisins and I don't generally care for wine that much. I know this isn't food, but I am extremely repulsed by bugs, except for dragonflies (of course...I'm even tattooed with one) and lady bugs.

So, as you can see, I am very...what is the word...hell I don't know. I guess what I am trying to say is I can pretty much tolerate everyone and everything in one format or another.

Oh, except for all olives, black licorice, root beer and hummus. None of them are good, any way you look at them. Eeeeww.

Sorry it took me a week to come up with a lame post like this but I seriously have not been able to put my thoughts into words lately. And, work was pretty busy today when I finally had something to write, AND I have finals coming up. (I know...excuses...excuses....)

Well that's all for now, and I sure as hell hope something useful can come out of me tomorrow, in fear that I will be removed from your link list (No! Don't do it! I'll write better I swear!)

I plan to write about meeting Amber Lynn and Annalisa, The Ex Calls, The Apartment Hunt, The 22 year olds and The Library escapade, getting locked out of my truck yesterday, and... well that sounds like enough to keep me busy! So, au revoir, mes amis.

Hello Dad....? I'm in jail.....

2005-04-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else remember this song?

"Hello Dad.....? I'm in jail.....Happy Birthday....from jail!!!"

I love it. This song just popped into my head while I was commenting about going to jail because I would rather make the 4pm "Happy Hour deadline" than the fickin' "Midnite Tax deadline"! My first priority is to drink martinis with martini, then whatever drunken escapades come up from there....THEN taxes (which I will most assuredly not do until Sunday). So when I post from jail, you will all know why. Ha!

I have decided that I will continue to ingest large amounts of caffeine for the rest of the afternoon and go get a pedicure and go check out the Old Navy sale, instead of napping like I have been longing to do since I got to work this morning at 6:00am. I need to treat ME. I have NO DOUBTS that I deserve it. However, I need to save money for Cali! 70 DAYS!

Now I have a countdown like all the other cool people who have planned vacations this summer. We are going to the beach, not because it is a tourist thing to do, but because the beach is actually CALLING us there. At least me anyways. I can actually FEEL it. I NEED the sand between my toes & Miller Light in hand as I recline on the beach watching the sunset. We don't have a set plan yet, but we know we are going. We all have the days off. And we know we will drive the PCH, stay in cheap-ass hotels, drool over surfers and gawk at the crazy ass people walkin' down Hollywood. (I remember this one guy I would always see that was always talkin' to himself and walked around with a Blue rat on his shoulder). Oh, and we have to eat clam chowder in a bread bowl in San Luis Obispo. Mmmmm. Clam chowder. I don't think I can make it!

I have MANY other items that I would love to post about, but it's my break and I want to go smoke (yes I started smoking again - not that I ever OFFICIALLY quit - but still...). Now that I no longer have someone in my life to bitch about me smoking, I plan to smoke as much as humanly possible, until it actually makes me sick. Then I know I will be quitting for myself, NOT for someone else. But until then, Smoke Up Jyny!

Well, it's off....for good

2005-04-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

Sorry, but this is not an amusing post, nor is it short, so if you don't have time, you may just want to move on. But this shit had to come out sometime, so here it is:

The ring. The one I saw a good 8 months or so before he even asked me to marry him. The day we started talking about getting engaged, he asked me to look around to see what styles I liked the best and what price range we were looking at. When I saw it, I knew. I went in looking for something COMPLETELY different, but just looked down casually and while the sales lady was in the middle of her sentence, I interrupted her and said "It's that one." She was like, "excuse me?" I said, "I'm sorry, can I look at that ring right there?" pointing at it. She said "sure, but it's not Platinum, it's white gold." I told her I didn't care. I wanted to try it on. It was beautiful. White gold, princess cut solitaire with a band of 12 small princess cut diamonds that slipped into the middle of the solitaire. Both rings were beautiful, and could be worn separately, but only looked complete when they were together. Just like us. They were made to be together. I had never seen a ring like it. And still haven't. I asked how much. A little more than I knew we had, but do-able. I told her I didn't want to see any more. That was the one. I knew that I couldn't possibly love another ring as much as that one. However, I was sensible and looked around for the next 6 months, constantly searching for something that I connected with like that one. I never found it. I would come to the store twice a month or so, just to visit the ring, try it on, etc. The sales lady was so happy for me when I told her we were going to buy it. Not for the commission (they don't work on commission).

The week he had planned on asking me to marry him, he knew that I knew that he was going to ask me, so he DIDN'T ask me. He told me he couldn't get the ring, and that he wasn't sure this was the right time to ask me. I was devastated. I was so hurt. But that week I realized I was wrong for EXPECTING it. It is supposed to be a surprise. And I realized that although I would always love that ring, I didn't need it. I needed him. I just wanted to be his wife. That's all. Ring or not. I saw him that next weekend in California and we decided it would happen when it was supposed to happen. The next night, we got ready for bed and I was laying next to him with my head on his chest, and he started talking about how, to him, I am already his wife, and how he wanted to start spending the rest of his life with me, and knew he could never love another woman they way he loves me, and how I completed everything in his life. I was upset that he was bringing up all the talk of marriage without ever doing anything about it and I started to cry. The tears in my eyes blurred my vision, so I couldn't see him reaching over the side of the bed to grab the box. He opened it and laid it on his chest and said "Jynefer, will you marry me? I want you to be my wife." When I saw the ring, I started bawling, but I couldn't take it. I just laid my head on his chest and bawled for like 5 minutes. I finally sat up and he put it on my finger and told me he was never "not sure" about wanting to marry me, he just didn't want to ask me when I was EXPECTING it. And he was sorry. I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be for the rest of my life that night, October 8th, 2004.

Today, April 13th, 2005, it came off. It went back into the box. A process that would normally take 20 seconds. This took me 40 minutes. It looked so beautiful in the box, as it did 6 months ago. It brought me back to that night. And then the tears blurred my vision again. I had tried to do this for the last 10 days. Each time, it was like a knife in my chest. I tried moving it to the other hand, and that didn't work either. But today, I knew it was time. I can't keep pretending this didn't happen. It still hurt more than I thought I could take, but I did it because I had to. That ring represents a lie. I can't wear it anymore. I talked to him the other day, and told him he wasn't getting it back. At first he tried to say that he should get it back because HE bought it. After I explained to him why he will NEVER get it back, he finally understood and just asked me to please not sell it. Like I ever would.

We have communicated pretty much every day since this happened. It's almost as if to him, we are right back to where we were before we got together. We used to be best friends. I still miss that friendship. I love talking to him. But how can I just talk like we used to, when everytime I hear his voice, all I can hear is him telling me he "doesn't want to do this anymore". I have been able to pretend that everything is fine with me, but today, I realized I can't. I can't handle not hearing his voice, but I know that I need a break from it for a few days.

We were IMing and the conversation turned serious. He said he didn't know what to say to me. He's ashamed and so very sorry for how he hurt me. He said he never wanted to be "that guy". What does he mean he never wanted that? If he didn't want to hurt me, then he shouldn't have. He wanted to do whatever it took to make his life easier, even if ripping my chest open and walking out was what it took. I want to believe him. I do believe him in a way. It just doesn't make sense. And I don't expect it to make sense to anyone reading this either. No one but him and I know the connection we had, or how we could see into one another, or finish each others sentences, feel each other's pain (literally).

We made it through Iraq. We made it through Afghanistan. These separations caused us to learn how to build our own lives while we were apart, and build up the walls around our hearts while he was gone so it wouldn't hurt so bad. It just got too hard to build and break down walls everytime he had to leave. If we had lived together, I think things would have been different. But with us being long distance to start with was just too much for him. I was willing to wait it out. I knew that eventually we would be together. The arguing would stop. The loneliness would stop. It took energy that I guess he didn't have. And because of that, IT stopped. WE stopped.

I am looking at my finger. Maybe I am being melodramatic, but I have taken my ring off before after weeks of wearing it (like during a chemistry lab, or cleaning the bathroom) and other than a slight dent where the ring used to be, there was nothing there. Today, within 5 minutes of me taking it off, there is a bright red line wrapped around my finger. Not the kind of redness caused by wearing something tight. But like a burn. It's as if even though the diamonds are gone, the feelings are not. Yes know I am being silly, and yes I know it will go away, but for the last 9 hours it has been there, standing out, reminding me that it's not going to just disappear. It may not make sense, but I don't want it to. When that's gone, then I have no other choice but to sew up my wounds and pray for healing. But I want HIM to sew up my wounds. I want HIM to say he was just scared and made a mistake. I want HIM to say to ME that he has never hurt so much in his life. I want HIM to make me whole again, and come home. God, please send him home to me.

Sloopy Chickensniffer

2005-04-13T12:01:00.000-07:00

This is my new name thanks to KelBel's post. How fun!

The ever popular Sex & the City Quiz!

2005-04-12T21:17:00.000-07:00

This is a great test. Thanks Jess. I pretty much knew I was somewhere between Carrie and Charlotte. They describe me to a "T". How fun!

You scored 50% Carrie
Your answers peg you as a Carrie-type, much influenced by the Air Sign qualities associated with Gemini, Libra and Aquarius. Like confident Carrie, a sex columnist, you're curious and perceptive, always seeking answers and never satisfied with the superficial. An Air Sign influence can lead to indecision and an avoidance of tough issues, like with Carrie and her on-again, off-again attachment to Mr. Big. Forward-thinking, incredibly intelligent and witty, you just exude quirky charm. You'd be utterly bored by someone who's just a pretty face or hot body -- though you don't mind looking and flirting! You're more turned on by an equally smart and funny mate, someone who challenges your mind and makes you laugh. You love to talk, so you need a good listener who's open to playful and eccentric ideas about love and lovemaking.

You scored 40% Charlotte
A romantic at heart, you chose the answers that demure Charlotte may have chosen. Strongly influenced by the intuitive, profound and sometimes naïve Water Signs -- Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces (yep that's me) -- you're like a mother, a mystery and a poet all in one. Though on the surface you may seem innocent and all about seeking the good in people, beneath the surface, you hide secret yearnings for intimacy, for attachment and ideal love. You're seeking a knight in shining armor, a soul mate, someone who will complete you and tether you to the earth when you get carried away with your fantasies. You're super-sensitive, soaking up the moods of others; you emote freely, crying at commercials and sappy movies. You also provide a shoulder to cry on and open arms for hugs. Be careful that you're not so wide-eyed and trusting that you get taken in by some cunning wolf in sheep's clothing.

You scored 10% Samantha

You scored 0% Miranda

Would you like crack with that....?

2005-04-12T18:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I deserve everything I am about to bitch about because I CHOSE to go to McDonalds, but I swear they have the BEST Coke's ever (besides QuickTrip of course, but there aren't any close QT's when you are in a hurry)! So, at least 3 times a week I go to McDonald's and ask for a large Coke WITH EXTRA ICE. And I say it just like it is written here, LOUD and emphasizing EXTRA ICE. It shows up on the screen "1 Lrg Coke Extra Ice" so I know they entered it. However, a 10th grade educated McDonald's worker's interpretation of EXTRA apparently means 3 extra cubes. They seriously give me about 15 cubes of ice in a 32 oz Coke. This won't cut it. I am very weird about my ice in my drinks. No it doesn't make sense that I want extra ice, because then I get less Coke, but I don't know how to explain it. It just tastes better with more ice. And that makes up for the Coke running out faster. Anyways, I NEVER get the correct amount of ice and have to park, go in, and pour out the Coke and start over, doing it RIGHT by filling the ENTIRE cup with Ice, then with Coke. Why do I continue to go through the drive thru? It is my nieve belief that SOMEDAY they are going to look at the screen and READ it when they fix my coke. It's not like it's a complicated order. I don't order any food. Just Coke. EXTRA ICE. How hard is it? And it can't be that they are cheap or anything because if you think about it, they should WANT to fill everyone's cup thia way so they give out LESS Coke, therefore saving them money. WHY? Put DOWN the crack pipe and read the fuckin screen!

What the....?!?!?!

2005-04-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

As I was floating through BlogLand, I stumbled upon this post, and found it a little disturbing. I actually have one of those inflamed taste buds on my tongue right now and it hurts like hell, and I'm not sure what is more disturbing; what she did or the fact that I actually thought about doing it myself....JUST for a second....

I'm dying...I know it...oh...never mind...

2005-04-11T20:18:00.000-07:00

...it's just my sports bra. WTF you ask? Okay, the only bra I ever wear was smoky from the bar Saturday night, so when I threw a load of clothes in the washer Sunday night, I thought I put the bra in, but it was just my sports bra. So that's what I had to wear today. And let me add that I have gained weight since I bought it, and it just came out of the dryer. So it was tight. I didn't think it was too tight however, until I sit down at work, and after about 15 minutes, I start to get a sharp persistent pain in the center of my chest and numbness and tingling that goes down my right arm and shoots up my neck and jaw and right ear. I was like what the hell?!?!? I know it's not a heartattack, and heartburn would require me eating something, and I don't think heartburn causes jaw, arm and ear pain. So I start pushing on the area that hurts and it's right at the elastic band of my sports bra (right under my boobies - they are not big enough to be called boobs yet). So I'm not thinking this damned bra could be causing this much pain, but I just happen to readjust it and stretch it out a bit and voila, the pain is gone. And I feel like the biggest idiot. The pain was REALLY bad. Of course I started to immediately think I had a tumor or an exploded ulcer in my stomach or something. Ummmm, no. It's my fucking bra. I guess it was pinching a nerve or something causing the pain to travel in that particular pattern. Who the fick (I said fick, hee hee) knows? Wow, my stupidity amazes me sometimes. Unfortunately, that was the most exciting thing to happen to me today. Aren't you glad you tuned in, boys and girls....?

2,200 rea$ons it stays HERE!

2005-04-08T06:18:00.000-07:00

Just to recap for those of you that are unaware of the BULLSHIT that has gone down in my life since Monday, my fiancé of 6 months (boyfriend of 2 years, best friend of 2 1/2 years) has recently decided that his multiple promises of "never leaving my side" and never hurting me "because it just isn't in him to cause me pain" and most importantly his proposal to stand by my side forever as my loving husband, have become too INCONVENIENT. Yes, I just said INCONVENIENT.

Now that he will be leaving the lonely life of the Marine Corps, and re-entering the exciting life of a California college student, he is not able to make enough time for me, and that he will be too busy to change his ways (of always talking to me like a Marine, or like I'm stupid) and since he will not change, then we will continue to argue constantly, and that is no way to live. He has decided that the most important thing in his life (which he used to say was me) now is full time school and to make sure HIS life is on the path to success. Then and only then, he says, will he have time for me to be in his life. PLEASE.
What the fuck do you think I'VE been doing for the last 2 years, asshole?!? Taking 17 credit hours, working 30 hours a week, and STILL making him first in my life. Using every spare amount of energy that I have to make this long distance thing seem as if we were together again. But HE's not strong enough. He just can't DO IT anymore. Is this making any sense to anyone? 'Cause it sure as hell doesn't add up for me. Here is what I see he is trying to say to me:

"I am a weak, selfish, bastard that doesn't know what a commitment, promise or standing by your word means, and I love being a self absorbed prick SO much that I refuse to change even if it means losing the best thing that will ever happen to me in my life."

So, he decided to tuck his tail between his legs, and walk out on me, leaving his honor and integrity at the door as he left.

OKAY.....There is the recap (kinda long for a recap...sorry). NOW.... let me tell you what he said to me as we were sitting in my truck at the airport parking lot.

"I'm gonna need to get the ring back."

EXCUSE ME ?!?!?!?!?

I was in such pain and taken back by what he said, that all I could do is beg him through my tears to not make me give it back. I said I couldn't bear it, not now. I needed more time. He said okay. Well, it is now 4 days later, and the first day I actually feel like I can breathe without bawling. It is at this point that I am now able to see past the gut wrentching pain and realise....guess what.....

THE FUCKING RING IS MINE!!!

Those of you that have made it this far and are still reading this, what do you think? Actually (no offense) it doesn't matter what you think, because I KNOW I'm right. HE gave up. HE broke his promises. HE walked out. And I'm supposed to give him the ring back so he can get reimbursed for his monetary loss? In case you were wondering, everything I have said in this post, and all the names I have called him here, HAVE been said to his face or over the phone since Monday. And he STILL fails to think his request for the ring is unwise. So, since he is acting like a child, he needs to be taught a lesson. AND, since money speaks louder to him than words, he will get a $2,200 lesson. No it's not a shitload of money, but he will be an unemployed student soon, so it will at least open his eyes a little, even if only to show him that he won't get EVERYTHING he wants, especially from ME.

I am NOT doing this for the money. I DO NOT plan on selling the ring. I still haven't been able to bring myself to take the ring OFF yet. I tried yesterday and thought my chest was going to cave in. When I told him at the airport that I would send him the ring back, I wasn't in a clear state of mind, and I also thought that eventually I would WANT to give it back so I wouldn't have to look at it, or come across it down the road. But things have become more clear, and that will not happen. I don't know whatHE planned to do with the ring, but I could never sell something that, although brings back the blinding pain of a broken promise, it also represents the the best love of my life. NO ONE will take that from me......IT STAYS HERE.

What an appropriate title I have...

2005-04-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

What an appropriate title I have for this blog. Little did I know that these words would be ringing through my head for the last 3 days, after my world completely turned upsidedown. I have been in denial. I suppose that is the appropriate stage to be in right now (in the grieving process...I'm not sure how it goes...Denial, Anger, Pain, Acceptance....I think that's how it goes). I am however slowly moving from denial to anger, kind of back and forth. The pain has always been there though from the moment he dropped my heart on the floor and walked out. As you might imagine, I will forever have an ugly scar on my chest if I can manage to pick it up again, to put it back in my chest. Okay, this is all I will say for now. I need to vent, but this blog was not created for pity, it was supposed to be fun. So I will create another blog for my venting and try to move on with this one. Apologies to anyone who had to read this. But please give me a few days before expecting anything funny. And thanks to my friends who are keeping me alive.

Please write 100 times...I will write in my blog....I will write in my blog...

2005-03-31T06:33:00.000-07:00

So, I'm back! The first couple blogs are going to be a little boring since I'm not sure what to write yet. I have SOOOO much in my head, I just don't know how to get it out yet. But, pretty soon I will be a bloggin fool like martinilove and and all my hard work will have paid off. Don't ask me what the hell I'm talking about.

Okay, what WILL I talk about today? Well, my fiancé called yesterday and he changed his flight so he'll be here Saturday instead of Sunday, and he will leave late on Monday instead of 5 a.m. (2 days before he has to go back to base, instead of like 12 hours). So that is good news! I'm so excited! We have had 3 birthdays since we got together and he has always been overseas for both mine and his (they are 12 days apart). The first he was in Iraq (I woke up to the news guy telling me that war started on the morning of my birthday...that was nice). The second one, he was in Afghanistan. Fortunately (or UNfortunately, depending on how you look at it) this year he is recovering from back surgery to repair a bulged disk (that more than likely developed during one of the deployments) so he has been with his family which is closer to me than the base which is on the east coast. Unfortunately, I haven't had the money or time (work and school) to see him much (only 4 days last week). So I'm excited I get to see him again before he has to go back. I know he didnt
have to spend the extra money, but he did, and I'm so glad. It's SOOOO hard to be in a LDR. I can't wait till we live closer. Well, that's all that's on my mind now, but just wait. Some idiot (here at work...there are plenty here) is bound to do something for me to bitch about!

Here I Am

2005-03-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

So, here I am, ACTUALLY posting a BLOG. I KNOW! I have been reading all the "popular bloggers'" posts forever but never posted anything on my own blog in fear of not being as witty and entertaining as they are. Well I have come to realize that's stupid, cuz I'm not MAKING anyone read these. Anyway, my life is not quite as entertaining as some, but I try to make myself laugh at the shit that DOES come my way, so I'll do my best to make you laugh as well. Wish me luck!